Haha! I REMEMBER! The fury animal which I like! It's a movie. Called gremlins I think. I love it! It cannot eat after midnight. It cannot come in contact with water (e.g. bathe, drink water). Sunlight will kill you! See! I remember you! HAHA! Sounds lame? Yeah.. I am lame!

 

Can you spot the life bunny?

:D

I swear to you I’ll try my best. I won’t let you fall. I won’t let another tear run down your face. You’re everything, and I need you to see that. I’m sorry I haven’t treated you well in the past. I’m sorry I gave up on you. I’m here now, and I’m not going to sit back and watch you lose yourself this time. I promise you that.

This is one meaningful paragraph. Its copied from "you" again. Haha! I think it really does make me recall back stuff which actually makes this paragraph true. From that YCK incident to the time when I told "___" that I will give up since you already did. Oh wells, it's all over! Time to seek a new beginning! :D

From now on, I will stay back in school everyday to do my homework and study for the tests. I have time now, finally I can say that. For the entire month of February, I have been busy having competition and training. My studies are really like shit now and I have to put in much more effort to be back on track. I may need help and I guess I will ask those around me. At least now I don't have to miss classes anymore.. wait, only maybe 1 more day for Pilot Pen Competition. Opps, if we win the first round, then I will have to leave class another time. Aiya, all these will be over after nationals is over. Leaving class and missing classes, teachers hate it! 

Yeah, well at least the medal prove that though I left class so often, I came back showing them that I left class but still manage to get something in return for the school. Not leave class and come back with nothing then its just.. might as well don't leave class. Haha! 

Next, I am kinda hoping I pay more attention during POA and understand what Mrs Siau is saying. I get kinda distracted at times either by Adeline or my mind is somewhere else. I know I can't blame Adeline because it's me, I need to tell myself when to focus and not because someone is there disturbing me then I blame her. I'm not shielding for her or anything but I just felt that I needed to take responsibility for it. Why am I saying this? Cos I kana scolded by Mrs siau. If I remembered correctly, she said something like "Jia Ying, are you listening? Don't let that friend next to you to cause you to..." forgot what she said. Oh wells, it's bad to get scolded by a teacher! Damn!

Finally, I shall go and study Physics and Biology. Damn, it's both sciences which can make me go nuts! I shall go study now!

I LOVE YOU! :D (Whoever is reading this!)

Yup, it's from you again! Haha!

I think it's kinda true! Applies to me I guess. This applies only when I really don't want the world to know or it's confidential, just I know will do. Oh wells, I will still be able to solve it in the end!

Yes, I took it from you! HAHA!

I think the easiest is to show love! Haha! I am showing it I think! To everyone around me... (: I love everyone around me therefore I'm not scared nor have to think twice to show my love for them! :D This is crap man! HAHA! Just wanted to blog something!

Coursework is killing me!! I feel like dying man! I'm suffocating under the facts of Obesity. Oh boy! I needa finish my coursework before I start on other homework and I'm dying!! AHHH! Just kill me man!

Damn pilot pen. I really wanna win! (like who doesn't?) I wanna win also because I wanna win back the school which I lost to for zonals and that's SCGS. My opponent is the captain and her previous partner (Injured girl). I think her partner just recovered. Oh wells, coach wants Yi Ning and I to get it back and so do we. I am tired of losing to good schools. I am fed-up of losing to schools which I could actually win. For once, I really wanna prove myself and the rest wrong that I can actually win a school of substance. I don't want the "Oh I lose again" kinda feeling. I am given a spot, a place in pilot pen and our school can only send 1 singles and 1 doubles from B'division. This means that only 3 people's name can be submitted and since I was chosen, I wanna use this chance to gain something back. Maybe I can't get into finals or semi-finals but to at least win SCGS and overcome all the obstacles that come my way. Even if we were to lose, I want to lose with dignity. I want to at least lose and know that I have fought hard and not lose because the school was good. 

I am trained by coach to win good schools and not win lousy schools. I want to show him once and for all that the players he train can actually reach and perform up to that standard which he taught or maybe even better. It's all about my mentality now. Honestly speaking, I really don't have the "hungry for something" kinda feeling. I need to train myself to be hungry for some of the most important things like winning this SCGS match now. I have to train myself to be mentally fit and strong to win them and other good schools. The only problem is, I don't know how. It is of course the hardest thing to train and right now, I think only I can train myself for that. No one else can, not even coach. He has the new juniors to impart his "knowledge" to and for me, I'm sort of "expired" already therefore, its pointless for him to focus on me. Oh wells, I shall go check online how some peoples mentality can be so strong while others are so weak.

Liang Jing Ru has many meaningful songs... (:

Haha, I just found out that I can no longer read this person's blog. Nevermind, I won't ask her nor will I look for the answer. Perhaps she doesn't want me to know about her life anymore or perhaps she no longer trust me. Whatever the reason is, I respect it. That's the reason why I'm not gonna ask her why. She will never see this I guess, haha. 

Now my blog can only be viewed by certain people. People whom I can trust or rather I allow them to enter my life. My blog is not very fantastic though. It's just my everyday life which is kinda boring. Oh, regarding the issue of whether I want to make my blog public... hmm... for now, I don't want. I did say I may make it open after Zonals end but I think I'm having second thoughts. 

I didn't expect news to spread so fast. The worst thing is it's only me and I'm not some popular kid yet from news can spread like someone kicking a soccer ball from one end of the corridor to the other end of the corridor. Argh! I thought it was supposed to be kept confidential or anything. Even if the name is not mentioned but the story is, I still consider that as not trustworthy. Some people's story can be identified very easily, and in my case, I think it's easy to identify when I shared something which everyone knows about me. 

I was a bit angry at first for having "it" to be known from some other classes. It makes me unsure. Unsure of whether I should still trust those people whom I shared my story with. Whatever, I'm letting this matter go. There's not use in dwelling on it all the time anyway. From now on, I will be very careful or what I say and what I share. I learned from this incident that you can never put too much trust in someone whom you don't know inside and out clearly.

Today's friendly was okay. I wanted to play more and train harder after watching the finals on Friday. I was kinda reluctant to go when coach said, okay you all can keep the nets and poles and go now. Oh wells, I had lunch with my batch people (Not all present). It was okay. I just felt like a pig, wanting to eat more and more. 

Next, bio tuition was quite fun with Mr Imran telling us about how he tried to inject the ____ (I forgot) into the plasmid. It is super hard and he had to do experiment from 200times to 400times! That's like CRAZY! It takes about a year plus plus. Oh boy!

Had dinner gathering with my cousins at my cousin's house. It was awesome. The food was good! I love it! The "kids" played games in the study room and the adults played some poker card game at the dinning table. There were a lot of times where we were interrupted by those adults trying to see what we the "kids" are doing. I say "kids" because there's a range from primary 2 (I think) to University. That's like 21 years old. Oh wells, it was fun learning the Polar Bear Game. Haha! Come to think of it, I think I'm starting to know my cousin's a lot better and do not have that high barrier kinda thing between us and them. 

Reached home now only... Damn, I have a lot of homework to do! Oh wells, today is an okay day. I shall cut down on my emo posts from now on. Those past posts are kinda emo. (Some of it) Shows that my life has ups and downs! Haha, whose life doesn't? 

I shall write until here. Till next time...

I think what my batch say about me is true. I am a hidden pig. Haha. I eat like a pig without the people around me knowing unless of cos they observe me for some time. I think I'm eating a lot and growing fatter day by day. I keep snacking at night which is super not good. I wanna lose weight and not gain weight! Wahh, it's hard man! 

There's just too many wonderful foods in this world that I don't mind going around the world trying all sorts of food and grow fat. Next time when you see me on the streets or something, don't get shocked by my size! HAHA! Must remember me, the (all of a sudden, long time no see) super fat JY! HAHA! 

I find myself not being able to control my habit of eating. It's like I know its bad for my health but yet I still do things that will harm my body. I guess we all need to go through a certain kind of pain or process then are we able to feel or know the effect of something. I think when my health deteriorates, then I will start doing something about it. By then it's too late though... HAHA! I shall try to start from NOW! :D

Today is receiving medal day. We went YCK sports hall earlier because we wanted to watch and learn from these top schools. There were only 4 schools there for both the finals for B and C division. Raffles, SCGS, ACS & Raffles Institution. Both the juniors and seniors of each school got into finals. How wonderful is that? Oh wells, there were some good games played by the B and C division for the boys. I like to watch the doubles (cause I like and play doubles) cause I learn how to play a good doubles and other stuff. SCGS C'division also played quite well. They had 2:2 and their last singles was the deciding match if I'm not wrong. Raffles last singles won and its not bad to have a close score with raffles. Shows that IJ team will have to train super hard because there are many strong teams coming up from C'division. 

Hehe, prize presentation was awesome! Once in a life time I will get this experience when I'm in IJ secondary unless of cos we get into top 4 for nationals which is really super duper hard but not unreachable. Taking pictures with the medal and the trophy was delightful. Though its fourth placing, but hey look on the positive side! Only IJ has a medal that has the word "fourth" & B'division south zone" written on it. I know it is the last position to get a medal but we came a long way and getting a medal in return is really showing us that our endless efforts that we constantly put in has paid off. 

Oh wells, I hold the flag and the school trophy on the way back to Toa Payoh and Yi Ning hold my pouch. I felt honored to hold the flag and the trophy. Went back to school and started taking pictures of the medal and the trophy then we started to play badminton. Haha! It was tiring but fun. I was practicing some strokes that I learned from the boy's match today.

After that, I went to have dinner with Kit Yee, Meldee and Marie at Kou Fu. We had a fun conversation! After that Marie left and Yi Ning joined us to study at Mac's. I think I studying went awesome. I managed to do the Math topical by topical o'levels book for statistics. I left a few questions blank because Mrs Kunna have yet to teach us. Tee hee, we talked about JC and POLY half way through and I think I can close JC's door for me and open POLY's door. Based on the subjects I take and the interest I have... 

You are like my guardian angel. Always protecting me or helping me whenever I need your help. I also don't know why I hated you so much (not just because of that incident) in the past. Perhaps it was sue to the things people say or the things I witness about you which makes me weary. Oh wells, I'm glad that that incident actually happened because only then did I realised that I didn't really hate you just that I disagree with your actions and it was a sudden urge for me to say such things. A sudden epic I think.

From now onwards... hahaha I will torture you and make your life miserable. I will make it known to people that you are the worst person ever! MUAHAHAHA! JUST KIDDING! (My 2 favorite words!) I think I'm crazy.. (People are always forever telling me that..) Hehe. I accepted that fact already. I think part of me why I can be so joyful is partly because I'm crazy. Why am I crazy? Haha! You people make me crazy! Tee hee!

To be continued...
   

~I LOVE MY SMALL LOVING CLASS~

Today is an okay day. I'm super dead for math test. I will fail it I swear! Let's not talk about this unhappy thing.

I shall talk about one stupid incident which happened to me when I was in secondary 1. I still remembered during morning assembly, Mrs Kwuan said that whoever knows what happened to the stolen phones, to go see her or approach her. At that time, there were quite a number of cases of stolen phones from lockers which did not have a lock. I felt so dumb to not go tell her and oh wells, yes I know about it. Not all the stolen phones, just one phone in particular. I guess it was this friend of mine I should never have mixed with. 

I remember I was super rebellious in secondary 1. I used to do stupid stuff and talk back to teachers and my peers. I landed my friend into trouble before where we played games at the back of the class when the teacher was teaching. Oh wells, those were my stupid days. I kinda grew into a better person as time goes by. I learned to be a better person. I tried to cut down on my fucked up attitude and oh wells, I think I am much better now. If now I am still like how I was last time, I think I won't even have a friend or perhaps everyone will just ignore me. 

It was friends and the environment which shaped me to become who I am today. Along the way, I learned a lot of things from each and everyone and oh wells, I think Badminton is one of the major element which made me become a better person. I don't know how but yeah, if I am still rebellious now, I would have been kicked out of school team already. HAHA! 

I shall write until here. Receiving medal tomorrow! HAHA! Looking forward to it! :D

I think my previous post was super emo. Oh wells, today is a really SHIT day. I lost my Cedar match. Freaking played rubber. I don't wanna talk about my match cos I'm too tired to. It was just coach being very angry with my doubles but more on Yi Ning for the 1st match. Then I also told umpire that the SJI guy was practically facing his school's match on the next court instead of our match. 1 point is super important for us okay! Especially when it's fucking deciding match. I hate playing the deciding match, I don't think I'm trained to win deciding matches. Deciding for really super important stuff. Like getting a medal or deciding the position (top 4, top 3).

Why I say this? Because I lost Farefield's match last year when I partnered Sarah. Our match was the deciding match. We played rubber and lost. It was the match to decide which school will get a medal. Lost it. This year, played with Cedar and it's deciding match for us to see which placing we get top 3 or top 4, lost it & got top 4. Both matches I played. Partner different but yet lost. I really think I'm not suited to win important matches like these. This kind of matches, I call them the "live" or "perish" match. My mental is not strong at all and I really don't know who can help me with it when I myself don't even know too. It's the hardest thing to train also. I guess coach is right, I'm still not hungry for it. 

Next, I love CHINESE. Haha, again I say this again. Today lao shi was talking to us about this new policy which government came up with quite some time ago, to use English words to teach Chinese words like Apple = Ping Guo. Those simple words. It was inside the Chinese magazine and they gave the different point of views from secondary school people about it. Lao shi asked the class who agrees with this kind of teaching and as usual only those active ones answered. I disagreed with using English to teach Chinese. The rest of those people actually agreed because it makes it easier for them to understand Chinese as they come from a family where communication is in the form of English. 

Lao shi asked the class who agreed or disagreed with it and only those who are active answered her question cos I think the rest are either doing their stuff or sleeping or don't want to answer. I gave my opinion. I think it's not a good idea because Chinese is a language, it is not a subject like Science or Mathematics. Chinese is a language where you need to talk and use it because it's a language, whereas Science and Mathematics; these are subjects where you can use either Chinese or English to teach. Since Chinese is a language, what's the point of learning it then when the teacher is using English to teach? Isn't it a language? Since it's a language, it should be taught using that language and not some other languages. There is no point to it if it is taught using other languages. I think it will then be meaningless. Haha! I like Chinese because I think it makes me think about the good and bad side of things so when I write gong han or si han I know how to write the good and bad side. (I doubt you understand it, haha. I literally tried to translate it from Chinese to English cos it's kinda hard to explain perfectly in English)

Oh wells, I think I'm gonna write until here. Today, I am expressionless, feeling-less, emotionless, mood-less and tear-less. I had no feeling when I came out of the court and I did not cry. I don't know whats up with me and my heart. I guess we stopped friend-ing each other though it is still constantly pumping blood to all parts of my body. Haha, I talk like as though my heart is my friend. It's an organ! HAHA! 

To be continued...

I think I'm becoming a useless matter on this Earth. I don't know why I'm so emotional and so sensitive. It's really weird to have this kind of feelings because it's me. Someone whom never had this kind of things bothering her only until 2010! It's such a bad year... I honestly just wanna get over this year and get done with all the shit I have to go through. To be honest, if I really can't take it, my last and final choice is suicide. I may seem like a coward but I think committing suicide is really for people like me who tries time and time again but just never know WTF (WHY THE FUCK) She's feeling this way... 

No one can answer me and I can't answer myself either. It's really ARGH, to know that I can't do anything about myself because I don't know why I'm like that. This is by far the worst feeling I think I have ever faced because I don't know WHY?! The hardest thing is not not being able to solve it but to not know why it's like that. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I JUST FELL INTO THE DEEPEST DARKEST HOLE AND NO ONE CAN SAVE ME!

Today is a pretty messed up day. I went down for morning assembly and I realised half way that I lost the note Illya gave me. I was thinking to myself "Maybe she will find it on the floor when she's walking back then pass it back to me.". I took attendance and I must really say sorry to Claudia. I totally missed her despite counting the whole row 3 times. Ahhh, I don't know what's up with me man. I feel really Fucked up! (Kana "lectured" by Mrs K. for marking the attendance wrongly. I really didn't know! Can only blame myself...)

English was the 1st 2 blocks and I felt like dying. I was dozing off in class. I don't know why I felt so tired. I underlined all the summary points and so when she was going through, I know what she was talking about. I think she saw me gonna sleep soon so she called me to give another point. I think it was good cos it woke me up a little but after that, I went back to my tired self. I'm too tired to stay alive in her lesson. I tried my best. My eyes were closing and I wanted to go to the toilet to wash my face. I went to wash my face after the lesson ended. 

Next was Math. Damn, I was scared for math test because I know it's gonna be hard to concentrate on my test as I felt so sleepy or rather mood-less. Thank god she gave us a choice, to either have it on Thursday or Friday. In the end we only have Thursday's choice left cos the other class won't be there on Friday.

Recess came next and I was kinda quiet. I was feeling-less. I don't know why I felt that way. I don't know what's up with me. After that was Chinese. I LOVE CHINESE! I like to answer lao shi in Chinese, sometimes English if I don't know how to say but all in all, I love to answer questions. In Chinese, I also learn more about what's going on in the world. Lao shi always have those hot topics or articles to discuss. Like the youth olympic and the newly opened casino. I love to talk in Chinese (practice for Orals but don't know how to write). HAHA! 

After that was POA. I was half dead I swear. The class was joking here and there and I usually will join in the fun and laugh but today I didn't. I think my mind drifted to somewhere else. I don't even know why. I don't know where it drifted to also.

Physics was the last and damn! I was already so sleepy. I tried to stay awake for his lesson. I did understand what he was talking about. I knew how to answer the questions. There's only 1 thing I didn't know. I forgot to do that worksheet! I can't believe I'm that stupid! I knew it was written on the board but someone erased it the day before. I would have completed it if I knew. Argh, I should have clarified it with someone just that I totally forgot about it. :'(  He was kinda angry with my class for not responding to him when he asked a question, I wanted to answer but today was just not my day. He was angry with the visualizer for not working and it scared the hell out of me when he shouted at us. Aye.. 

I was called out after lessons. Damn, I don't want to replace Summer. I don't want to be Physics rep. I know I'm the chairperson but I don't want. I think I will collapse and die! WOW! With so many things going on and now a teacher believing that I can do it, not just in being the rep but to also do well in Physics. Oh wells, I'll try my best. If I am about to collapse, I will definitely let someone know! HAHA! I have the courage to! (:

Next, I just got fucking scared by Jeany. She lied to me that there's History test tomorrow and it's about Stalin. Damn her la, I immediately know that I'm going to die. I doubt what she said and then she finally said it herself. I have so many things going on in my head. I have my homework given by various teachers and I can hardly finish them, I have SS test to study for tomorrow and I have FINALS tomorrow. I need to sleep early but I really can't. I am given a new duty today to sort of take over Summer's job. I'm so dead! 

I wanna just hug someone so badly but yet I can find none. I want to hug anyone for as long as I can. I just wanna release all my stress. It's a funny way to release stress and I wanna give it a try. But I can't find anyone... (It's not that I have no friends to hug or what, but they will feel weird if I come and hug them all of a sudden...) Aye, tomorrow is Cedar's match. I pray hard that I leave everything out of the court and play my best! 

I just want a long long long hug... is it really that hard to have one come by me? 

I think putting pictures makes my blog more lively, instead of just using colors to make it attractive. I miss her.

 

Longer than the racket! 

When it's only a baby... (3 months old)

DAMN! What's wrong with life man? Just when I thought my life is much better, it comes back to haunt me again. I'm haunted by the same old things. Studies, badminton and friends. I am damn confuse with myself and my emotions. I don't know what I'm feeling now just perhaps confused (Is it even a feeling)? I have no idea why I'm feeling so weird. It's an odd feeling where I never really experience before. I don't know how to describe. 

Anyway, I just hope the stupid incident with Adeline and I can come to an end. I felt really uncomfortable when the topic is brought up, it makes me feel like a dumb-ass. I never knew she was touching me (perhaps I was listening to Mrs Kunna too closely) or it's in the morning. AHHH!!! At least I'm glad that today I managed to make her copy the POA stuff on the board. It's hard to wake her up and ask her to copy stuff. She always pretend that she's copying but actually I know she's writing some other stuff. I'm used to her saying the "F" word to me whenever I wake her up, perhaps that explains why I use that word at times. It's my job as the class chairperson to help her also and I sit next to her (Makes me more dangerous!). Oh wells, just best of luck to me and her. Pray hard that she finds a girlfriend soon so she won't bother any 4/8 pretty ladies and NOT DISTURB ME!   

I am asking myself now is it because of what coach said? I don't know. I have no idea. I didn't have any emotions nor feelings when he said those words. It was like whatever he say I understood like he said it before and I guess we do not need the reminder anymore. Oh wells, so perhaps it's not that. 

I shall go sort out my feelings. I have no extra time for this kind of thing man. To sort out my feelings and emotions, it will have to wait. Other stuff comes first!    

AHHH! I don't know what to say man. My doubles can just go and die. The scores were fucking close with raffles. It was 18:21, 21:16 & 18:21. They won! ARGH! I know my mistakes now and I shall learn from the mistakes i made today. Some one is really trying to test my limits. I don't know if she knows that she is going around testing other people's limits. Oh wells, I learn to give in! I am giving in to her from now on. Do whatever she wanna do, say whatever she wanna say I am not going to care about it. 

Next, babe that answer was pretty obvious. HAHA! It's YOU la! I shall now help you solve it. You said it was kinda eee to have someone liking you.. so I was thinking huh but then aren't we under the category of ____. So I asked you to define your "Like" then ah, haha I found the answer. If you still don't understand, haha then feel free to come and ask me.

Next, I'm stress over the 3rd and 4th placing (who's not?). I'm stress over the test I will be having this week (I have 3 in total!). I am stress over my freaking partner whom is not really trying to listen to what I have to say.  AHHH! I need someone! I need someone to... I have no idea. HAHA! I just need perhaps myself.

I shall write until here. Oh wait wait there's something I haven't mention yet. Remember you said you were __________________? You shocked me when you said that but not I will shock you back! HAHA! I think I'm in LOVE with you! HAHA! (: 

Babe, this post is specially for you. Because you asked for it. HAHA! 

There is something you don't know. Something which I don't know how to tell you but I'm glad you chose that one. Remember how we were trying to decide which category we should go under? You said you wanted ____ at first but then you changed to S____. I wanted the first one because I felt that being S____ its a bit funny. (I have no idea why. Just didn't like that category. Like it's not good enough. HAHA) I also don't know why you are so spot on at times. You were spot on with the finalised category and you are spot on with... the other one. Let you guess yourself. Haha!

I think after this entire conflict plus self awareness camp, it made me become a better person. I am starting to know what's the real meaning of treasuring those around me. I hear those stories from my classmates and I learn from it. That's why, I shall make it a point to tell each and everyone of those around me how much I love them. I wanna tell them that I treasure each and every day with them from now on. I feel like I'm going to die soon (Touch wood). That's why I don't want to leave this world with regrets like how I missed the chance of telling someone how I felt about them when I had so much time on Earth. 

Oh wells, it's time to say good bye. 1am already! Haha! NITEZ! :D

Happiness resides not in the possessions and not in the gold, the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.

 

If only you knew what they said to some of us. If only you knew how we felt. If only it had happened to you then will you be able to know why I answered so directly because times and times again they have been bringing up this "thing" and we do not need this kind of "support" from them. What's a support with people saying how good all the other schools are and how we played like shit in court and how the principals of all matches came to the one where IJ played the worst. You know nothing because it doesn't affect you. You and your friends are not affected by it in anyway that's what I think but hey, spare a thought for us. We constantly have these reminders reminding us that we're failures, that we're useless and we are just not up to standard. We have had enough and it's time for someone to speak up for the rest. I did answered a strong "No" and I said it with confident. I know that I made the right choice. If you and your friends think that their support really helps all of you in different ways, then go ahead and ask them to come down and support. As long as they don't "touch" us in anyway, I guess we're fine with it.

If I just lay here, 

would you lie with me

and forget the world?

So I had self awareness camp on Friday and Saturday. I missed almost the entire thing. I missed the games they played and sessions they had due to my competition. I had to leave after lunch on Friday. Damn. I love my class a lot. It is a very loving and supportive class. Knowing that I had to leave for competition and it was the deciding match to get into top 4 in South zone, the whole class wished me good luck. I treasure the time I spend with the class during camp. I didn't want to miss out on anything when I came back because I missed out the really fun games already. When I came back, all of them asked if I won and yes I did. They were so happy for me and I was really happy because I did not expect them to be cheering and clapping. WOW! It really made me feel like 4/8 is not just a class but a family.  Eunice came over to hug me and said she miss me. I love her! Not because she came and give me a hug but it is something which I do not know how to explain. They had a paper t-shirt and at this section they were to write 3 things which makes them happy. Eunice wrote my name there and I'm surprise because I never knew that I am someone whom brought joy to her life or at least happiness. She showed it to me haha! I didn't know how to react but I from this, I now know how my actions affect the people around me.

I shared my story and well, my class laugh! HAHA! I laughwith them too. I got over it already though I may think of it at times but I didn't mind sharing with the class because I felt that I could trust them. I know it's not a very sad story (Like those involving family members but hey, my rabbits are part of my family ok! I love them a lot!)

All in all, I had a fun time with my class though I missed out quite a lot. I believe that my class can work together and get good results to go pursue their dream jobs. The class of 15 shall work together, help one another and get past this mountain! This HUGE mountain which we all have our difficulties to climb over.

Just because she comes out strong,

doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying.

Even though she acts like nothing is wrong, 

maybe she's just really good at lying.

Today is a fine day! NOT! School was a bore for certain subjects cos I felt like dying! HAHA! Oh wells, had Physics practical at 2.10pm and damn! I did everything wrongly. AHHH! Had to redo and damn, I was late for tuition. Shit man, I hate being late for tuition! 

I am god damn lazy to pack my bag for Self Awareness Camp tomorrow! Damn it la.. it's only 2 days and I'm so tired to pack already. Aiyo.. I think I'm getting older that's why! Oh wells... tomorrow I have a match! AHH!

Btw, I think I am a Sadist! I like to make this one person soo upset and soo angry. But I love her a lot. HAHA! 

I shall write until here. HEHE!

OH! I just went to check out my horoscope and I wanna share it here. I find it very true! :D

You're still having a fine old time, and aren't even near ready to call it quits. You're probably running on just a few hours of sleep, too, but you'd never know it. You're excited and enthusiastic, feeling as if you have a solid eight hours of snooze-time under your belt. Well, good for you. Consider it a gift from the universe, and enjoy it while it lasts -- in the company of some equally energetic playmates.

Yes I was running on a few hours of sleep because my parents were not at home past midnight and my brother was watching this movie which attracted my attention. I slept close to 1am. Yup, I definitely felt excited. Time for me to be Santa Claus what! HAHA! Hmm.. perhaps it really is a gift from the universe. (Thanks, I needed it!) Equally energetic playmates? Yup... I think. HAHA! It all sums up to me having a great day! (:

TODAY IS MY SWEET 16 BIRTHDAY! :D  ~Loving It~

Hehe! My day went great! Like REALLY! I came to school happily! No one ruin my day or rather I should say, I didn't let anyone spoil my day! :D I gave out the sweets to my classmates and they all love it. It was fun seeing them enjoying it and experimenting with it like how to eat that long tube of powder. HAHA! Illya took the longest! She was having difficulty with it! HEHE! It's funny! Then they all cleared my lollipop! WOOHOO! THANKS MAN! I will never know how to finish it if I were to bring it back home! HAHA! Stephanie ah! Collected one whole family set! HAHA! 

I managed to come to a consensus with the class of what dishes we should have for dinner. I called both the lunch and dinner caterers to order and woosh! It's done! FINALLY! Don't have to worry about it anymore! :D

Training! HAHA! OMG! They wanted to surprise me with the birthday cake but failed also la! AIYO! Always fail one. HAHA! Stupid Yi Ning. She was like eh faster come! (I was in the store room) Then when I finally came running out with her she was like I need help with F&N research. Then she go to the steps and said "Oh, I forgot to bring". LOL! I walked back to the storeroom to take my racket then can see her behind the curtains already. HAHAH! The cake was shared among the 3 of the February babies. Shimona and Sharmaine. The cake was lovely. It was cheesecake. Yummy Man! :)

Hehe! Next came coach. Oh wells, I gave him a piece of cake (sounds weird) and talk to him for awhile. Then went to eat some cake and realized I have a bad news for him. My racket. Aye.. Training went on as per normal. After foot work ended, he talked to the B'division damn. It was regarding the Cedar's match. Aye, don't wanna talk about it. After that we received our "Smurf" jersey. HAHA! The color is very IJ. Next came drills. Pretty okay. After that was games and sprinting. 

Training haven't end yet! HAHA! FOR ME! How can my wonderful sweet 16 end without a nice ending? I don't want it to end with SPRINTING?! HAHA! Therefore, I asked coach to play with me and YN, he partner Divya. At first he was reluctant because he was kinda like gonna sleep soon. Yawn non-stop during training. Oh wells, we still managed to ask him to play with us. HAHA! He told me before the match: You want to lose on your birthday? HAHA! That was the fun part.

We started off kinda bad with the score 6:1, them leading. Slowly, we catch up. Then there was this shuttle, I think he made me run here and there or I was a the back lobbing, he dropped and zoom! I ran to the front and took that shuttle, kinda fell and when I was falling, I did a cross net. I wasn't able to see if it went over but when the shuttle landed on the floor, so did I. HAHA! He was stoned. He was about to go and take but then quickly turn and look at me, see if I did injure myself. HAHA! I know at that time I didn't have any injury and I was not in pain so I was like "Did the shuttle went over?" HAHA! IT DID! YAY! 

Hehe! In the end, the score was 24: 26. Who won? Drum roll............. JY & YN! HAHA! THE JYYN TEAM! :D HAHAHA! CLOSE MAN! Woosh! I won all my games on my 16th birthday! HAHA! Am I lucky or what? :D I think I had that thing going in me cos it's my birthday. I don't know what "that thing" is also.. HAHA! 

Just now before dinner, I went to bring my rabbits down to eat grass. HAHA! All so cute. 

~Love~ 

I shall write until here!

Chinese New Year this year was not that bad. Just that there aren't that many visiting this year. Since Sunday, I slept at around 2+am everyday till this morning. Mahjong!! Haha! It's super fun and I played Big 2 too. Oh wells, this year's Chinese New Year does not have the CNY feel.

Next, school is starting like tomorrow. I am fretting over school work. I am gonna have a hard time in knowing what I'm suppose to do and completing it. I still have F&N coursework! The next thing is that I don't even know if there's gonna be training tomorrow. My racket how?! Damn it la, I didn't expect it to burst like so fast! The last time it was re-stringed was right when zonals started. I received it like on the first match which was St. Marg's match. Now it burst like in the middle of the competition (To be exact it is 1 more school to fight to finish round 2).

Anyway, I hope tomorrow will be a good day. I hope it's gonna be a fun day. It's ______________ tomorrow. Hehe!

I shall write until here.

YO! This year's CNY celebration is pretty interesting. It is my last CNY celebration some more. The magician which came and perform, his tricks were awesome. The rest of the performances from the various houses were funny. It was an enjoyable morning. However there's always a bad side to it. I have to go and find a NEW dinner caterer for camp because Mrs Kunna says that it is too expensive. Damn, I'm super tired of it. It is super hard to find a dinner caterer when 1. I need to see the minimum order before I see anything else. 2. I need to see the price. 3. I need to see if there is any extra charges for delivery and stuff. Damn, I have to take into considerations for all these things. I SHALL START SEARCHING FOR A DINNER CATERER! 

After the celebration, went for lunch with Gab, YN and Divya. It was fine but I knew one thing for sure, I'm not gonna like training when we go back. I never like training without a coach. It's hard to discipline myself and correct my own mistakes. I don't have the drive or energy to push myself and go further. 

Oh wells, training started and it was not that bad. Then here comes the unlucky part. We were doing Lobbing then Yi Ning told me "Jia Ying, I think my string is gonna burst" and after I hit back to her and she hit the shuttle, her racket's string really snap. It was kinda funny. I took out my scissors to help her cut her string then we went back to lob. After one hit from me "Piak" my string snap! Gosh, I was a little stoned (Cos it's the only racket I have) but went quickly to grab my scissors and cut the strings (High tension, so must cut asap). After I cut finish my string and tried to take in the fact that my racket's string burst, Gab came to me and quickly ask me to cut her strings. Her racket's string snap too! How unlucky is this man! 3 racket burst continuously... ARE WE REALLY THAT UNLUCKY! UNLUCKIEST BATCH!!

Next, we did more drills and after that games. I was writing coach's board and I found out that the marker I used can be wiped off like super easily and will not stay there for long. As I was erasing what I wrote, I realized that there are still smudges on the board which cannot really be erased. I thought of a smart idea which is to cover my whole space with smudges. The smudges were evenly spread out and it was a light pink color. I like it. It showed creativity. I improvised on the spot. I gave credit to my brains for being able to change the negative to a positive (Hardly able to adapt to new situations). 

Yi Ning and I were suppose to play with Divya and Anabel and we drag for damn long. From everyone finish their games to binding coach's board to physicals. By then, I asked Yi Ning if she still wanted to play because Anabel and Divya and I were waiting for her. Then she said she was waiting for me. -.- I told her we are waiting for you then she continued saying she was waiting for me. I broke the stupid on-going chain and went into the court. Then I told her that I may not be able to go coach's house because it was already 5.30pm and my dad always pick me up around 6+pm. Then she was kinda piss or don't know what saying she won't go also. But I did remember that we have to get it done by hook or by crook to go to his house and give it to his family by this week, before he comes back. Therefore, I decided after my match to quickly go back.

Speaking of the match. It was utterly ATROCIOUS. Not that we played badly or anything. Yi Ning was rushing the whole game just because I said I cannot go if it's too late. We didn't play a proper game and Divya and Anabel were like leading 8:4. I won a point then I think my partner was too carried away to just END the game, she was like 9:4. I really wanted to end the game at that time because I find that it is meaningless to play such an awful game. A game with no sportsmanship or anything. A game that has no life in it and with someone there trying to rush everything and don't care who wins or lose; just end the game. I didn't end the game however because I remembered that Anabel said she wanted to play. I didn't want to dampen her mood or anything therefore I tolerated it and continued playing. I think Divya and Anabel were piss too because it's such a lousy game. It's a game that really has no FUCKING meaning. Oh wells, it was a waste of time (Even they agree); due to 1 person's lack of interest.

Anyway, after that stupid game, YN and I started our mission to go to coach's house to give the board to his family member. I was practicing how I was gonna greed his mom and state the reason why we were there in chinese. I said "Auntie ni hao, wo men shi ni the er zi and hai zi". Shit Man, that made me LMAO! What son's children? Aiyo! Had a good laugh. We reached his house and started calling and calling. No one answered. The door was open but the gate was locked. We tried using all sorts of way to call someone. We said "Excuse me! Is there anyone? , Hello Auntie, Hello xiao jie, You mei you ren zai jia?". We used all sorts or phrases and finally, coach's mom came out. At first she was kinda fierce because I think that she thinks we're there to sell things. We told her we are coach's student but she said she had no children. Then we said "Tan Joo Heng" then she "Orh". Haha! Then she walked to the gate and asked what is it. We told her that we have a gift for him and would like her to help us put it on his bed and don't tell him. It is a surprise for him when he comes back. Haha! After we finished, she asked us if we would like to come in and have a drink but we rejected her kind offer. We went off with a feeling of accomplishment. (Mission Accomplished!) 

My dad called when I was at the bus-stop and he was kinda piss cos he said I hang down the phone when he called previously and when I was at the bus-stop, he was already at toa payoh waiting. Oh wells, he came to pick me up and we went to have dinner.

Overall, today is a day with different kinds of feelings at different times of the day. It's kinda like good-bad-good-bad-good-okay (Mood according to time sequence) kinda feeling. I shall write until here. 

It's in 5 days time! =)

This article is written by someone else. I find it very interesting and thus sharing it here. I am amazed by some of the values brought up (Never came to my mind that some of those values have been fading away) and oh wells, I shall go and learn the true meaning of these words and how I can practice it or have it in me. I'm not trying to be "a value sucker" but these values did let me have some thinking process in my brain. I'm interested in knowing more and how I can practice and be a better person. It's an interesting point of view from the author in showing how these values are becoming rarer and uncommonly seen in people nowadays.


Selflessness: In a world where many people don’t have the time or the interest in others, selflessness is a quality that seems to be less and less common.  People can be selfless in the time they give, the ability to listen, their level of patience and the love that they give.  Those who are giving and generous in nature have the power to make others feel loved, appreciated and special.  While those who are self-absorbed tend to do the exact opposite. 

Tolerance: Those people who are tolerant make us feel comfortable with who we are and special as individuals.  All of us are different, and many of us have quirks and idiosyncrasies.  After all, these differences make the world go round.  Having the ability to accept people for who they are and not expect them to be who we want them to be is important in life, happiness and in the health of our relationships. 

Genuineness: Having the ability to be real, authentic and honest is unique in a world where we put so much emphasis on the superficial.  Feeling comfortable in one’s skin and being true to one’s self is one of the most beautiful traits one can possess.  To have a REAL relationship with someone requires honesty…it requires hearing and giving input or feedback that may not always be popular…it means having the strength to tell it like it is and to not be afraid to face the consequences for doing so…it means loving people for who they really are…deep down…and not for what they appear to be. 

Sensitivity: So often we are focused on what is important to ourselves that we can forget about those around us.  Those who are sensitive are often thoughtful, appreciative and loving, in a way that makes you feel understood, valued and respected.  Often, sensitive people are also self-aware, making them mindful of how they impact others with what they do and say. 

Integrity: Call me cynical, but I think this characteristic is especially difficult to find.  In a time when people will do things that are underhanded to make an extra buck (Bernie Madoff…can you hear me?), expose their personal lives to the public so they can be famous (balloon boy’s dad and any other reality TV mongers) and do what feels good in the moment without necessarily thinking of the consequences (Tiger Woods), integrity is a characteristic that is especially unique today. 

Humility: Whether someone is super-smart, extremely talented or drop-dead gorgeous, there is something extra special about them if they don’t come across as though they know it all the time.  Humility in those that possess extraordinary traits make others feel special too.

Damn, today's match was really... WTH! Played like shit I SWEAR! I think I really cannot play with that blue jersey. It's not a good color to me. I was scared during the match. Aye... don't know why I cried a little after the match also.I am kinda lost and tired in my brain. I really don't know why I just cannot play properly.

Next, I wanna say something. I want to cut down on the vulgar words I say and not be influenced by the people around me. There's only 1 place it's coming from because the rest of the world in me do not say those words or rather they stop each one from using it. (Sounds confusing? Never mind) 

My resolution for 2010 is to refrain myself from using those vulgar words even when I'm angry. I must not be influenced by other people and will not pick up those words. 

Finally, I shall end off by saying something. Some times, there are things where people disagree with each other. Everyone have their own stand and reason to why they say something or do something. It is at times annoying to hear stuff that ain't pleasing to our ears. I don't know what crap I just wrote man!

Today, lessons were okay. Got back Math test and yes, I did freaking badly. My teacher said I didn't try at all. It just showed that I didn't get the topic at all. I'm freaking disappointed in myself because I really want to pass math for once. I'm screwed for this subject. I wanna at least get a pass and yet it's so difficult for me. I don't know how some people can do so well and grasp the concept for math and I just can't. It's frustrating man! :'(  I have a tutor and yet I still don't know why I am failing it. I WANNA STOP FAILING MATH! :'( 

Next, we had photo taking half way during math and it was after she gave out the test paper that we have to leave. I was like really not happy at all because right then, I know where I stood for math. I tried to put it away and not let it affect my photo taking then. I managed and totally forgot about it until I reach home after dinner. 

After the photo taking, I went to grab my bag and head to the canteen. I didn't eat anything because I wasn't hungry. I decided to attend F&N for 45 minutes or so. It was coursework and I needed to at least know where we are heading. Oh wells, I think it was worth it because Mrs Tan did tell me where my mistakes were. After that, I went down to the canteen and soon after, we board the bus. 

We were the first school to arrive at the Indoor Sports Hall. Our opponent was Beatty. We stroke and at 2.30pm, the matches started. Everything went well. We won 5:0. I was helping Fuzzy umpire and there were some stuff that were quite funny. There's this very blur line judge whom wasn't exactly paying attention and she was kinda unsure of whether the shuttle was in or out. Then there was another one where we wanted to ask her whether it was in or out but she was only interested in watching the other court where my school and her school was playing. I couldn't stop laughing after that. She was really blur. Oh wells, had fun today but it was kinda tiring. 

Did I mention? It's my first time in my entire life to be awarded the "pink slip". Yes, it is the late slip. MY GOD! I was kinda depressed because it's the first time in my entire life. I have never been sick/absent or late until today. Oh wells, never mind. I am actually glad that I was late today because I found out that either Adeline or Claudia told the security guard the wrong person's name and I was booked on 5th of February. I was freaking piss because the security guard said this is my 2nd time being late and like HELLO! I'm never late okay! Until today... Oh wells, I will really go and scold that person once I find out who that idiot is! Why am I so piss? I don't want to be misunderstood or anything by my form teacher. She never like Late people. It's a bad impression especially when I hold a position in class. Oh wells, tomorrow I shall go to the security guard with all the pink slips I have for my class. (I mark the attendance every morning so I know).

I shall write until here. 

My blog can be viewed by anyone after zonals end.

Today's a boring day. Stayed at home and did homework + coursework. I helped my mom cook and oh wells, went down after dinner to bring the rabbits to eat fresh grass. ARGH! I don't like going down! Lazy!

By the way, my brother brought back army packet food. They are those food where they bring to the field to eat like due to mission or something then they open the packet food to eat. It's kinda cool and interesting. The whole packet is green in color (about the same color as this paragraph) and there's the small words at the bottom telling you what it is like dessert: creamy corn soup. Stuff like that. I am gonna try one later. Haha! He brought back 2 different packets of dessert.

Anyway, I'm currently having mix feelings now. It's like after I solve something, another problem comes my way. It's hard to manage and survive through these many obstacles. I feel like as though my world is gonna come to an end even before the world comes to an end. I have no much idea what I'm feeling right now. It's really frustrating to not know what you're feeling because you can't do anything about it. Worst thing is that it's myself which I'm unsure about and not someone else.

Oh wells, I shall write until here. Since you don't want to do anything about it anymore, I shall just leave it too.

Today's training was really awesome! Not for the physical part of cos. For the drills. We had to do pushing first and my partner was Meldee. Woosh! It was fun! The continuous hitting feel was there. I love pushing anyway. Next was chop, damn it was really ridiculous. She net super sharp so that its hard for me to net and lift and I did the same thing. Haha! It was kinda fun to play and of cos it did make me learn how to net sharper or what kind of net is too high. 

Then came smashing. It was the best man! My smashing wasn't good I think but I tried to practice what coach said. I felt that my smashing wasn't strong enough. It was still not up to standard. I was kinda trying out how to scream in court and well, I think it was pretty noisy haha! I guess I was too hyper. I was trying to see if that method did help me to smash better. Well, I think it did a little only. When it was my turn to defend, I think it was pretty sucky. Not very good I must say. Oh wells, I tried my best though some times I was not able to defend back. 

Today is the first time my shirt was wet at the back as well as in front. It was really wet! Haha! Why am I saying this? Because I never had a sweaty shirt before. It may be wet but not that much. I don't perspire as much as you people do and so I never have my hair wet (like those whom just came out of the shower) or my whole shirt wet. 

The talk with coach was pretty long. It was kinda draggy. I knew he wanted to put that younger pair to play. The only guess which I didn't get it right was one of the singles. Hehe. Fun to guess though. Durh of cos he didn't ask me. He should seriously talk about the doubles first before the singles. I needed to leave so badly that I left at 2.15 because he was talking about me at that time and doubles. Yes, I need constant reminder from people not to do that. Oh wells, I rushed off after he finished what he wanted me to take note of. 

I was waiting for the bus. I think I missed it and damn, I had to take a cab. If I didn't, I would be late for tuition for like 20minutes or so. Oh wells, I felt so heart pain for my money. Haha! Damn, I should have left earlier.

Oh wells, I shall write until here.

Ahh! Have you felt or seen something that has the same texture as cotton wool just that it feels much softer and it is Grey in color? Haha! It is my rabbit's fur! The big male one. It's shedding now so there's a lot of fur flying around. The previous fur color was much nicer though. I shall see the end of the transformation.

I was combing it's fur and well, it got frustrated at times so I had to follow it till it finds it's next spot to lie down. Haha! That's funny. I kept it's fur. I know I'm weird. The ball of fur looks kinda cool and it is very soft to touch. Perhaps I can collect until there's sufficient fur to make something out of it. Haha! I know it's an odd idea. Who cares? We are all creative. You may never know that someday I may come out with something brilliant from this idea of keeping it's fur. (:

Today, I won't talk about my lessons but instead I want to touch on the issue which Mrs Kunna touched on for CME today. It was really useful. I took down some nice phrases and sentences. She wanted a person to go up to the front and pick a friend whom she is very close to and another whom she does not know very well. The words and phrases she used has helped me a lot in understanding the screwed up friendship I'm in right now. These are some of the points I took down and it is all linked with friends and overcoming difficulties.

1. Being a good listener is one way to keep your friends close. 

2. Trustworthy

3. Make time to help your friends

4. Don't be selective with your friends

5. Don't judge people

6. Tolerance towards the friend

7. Eating with friends do make friendships closer (Reminded me of Badminton dinner)

8. People tend to find friends that laughs and are happy

9. The words you say are important

10. When she's talking, you listen

11. Look at that person when she's talking to you. Give her eye contact. It is a form of respect and showing that you are listening.

Overcome all difficulties.

It's how you overcome it.

Try your best to solves it. 

Never give up!  :)

I will apply all these and keep it in my heart man. It is going to help me to be a better person and at the same time, know why you are important to your friends or why your friends are important to you.

Next, I just wanna tell you that I think it's a silly mistake. It's really foolish of me to say such things and those are my "qi hua". It was because of the CME lesson that I understood what a friendship is and why we need friends, especially close ones. I never wanted to give up actually. This thing was just left aside by my brain as I had something else that I need to tend to which is somewhat slightly more important than this. It's a big thing which affected my feelings as well as my negative stuff. It was a well paid off thing which my brain did because I got quite a few things out of it. All I want to tell you is that lets look pass each others surface and look deep into the friendship. Is it possible to still keep it going? Is it possible to forgive each other for the wrong things that we've said or done? My answers to both questions are Yes. I just have this strong feeling/instinct that I have to say this. I don't want to leave a bad memory in my mind forever.

It's something which I don't want to lose. It's something which I believe will be kept in our hearts till the day we die. I finally got the courage to say this. Once and for all, I don't want write another kind of paragraph like the one up there. I never want to have any friendship problems ever again! 

Finally, I think today's training was GREAT! It was like really AWESOME! I had more expressions now and I am talking a lot more now. Going back to my old self. Btw, I really believe in horoscope stuff and today's one was really true. It was spot on! This was what it said which will happen to me today and it did:

You've been waiting for days -- no, more than a week -- for astrological weather like this. Basically, what you're finally due to enjoy is a whole lot of fire, which translates into pure energy and inspiration. Prepare yourself to play, and play hard. How nice all this arrived just in time for the weekend. Better double up on your vitamins and make sure you have plenty of coffee on hand.
I've been waiting for this kind of day to come and it finally came! I had a lot of energy during training and for the last match, I screamed quite a few times. It felt soo good. I was like able to release my stress and build up a ball of fire. It's awesome. 

I shall write until here. It's time to do some work. Haha!

I don't know why I have such weird feelings about that. It's like my instinct is telling me to do it but I just can't. I did have a feeling it wouldn't last long either because it's too hard to go back to the past. You have her and that "her" I believe is truly the one you need. Not me. I never wanted that title because I know I would destroy it with my own bare hands. It's like someone gave me a beautiful ice cream cake but I just smash it onto the floor. 

The saddest thing is to have this happen right smack in the month of my birthday. My 16th birthday some more. I thought 2010's February will be one of the most awesome month. Never did I know that it will be destroyed by that thing. Argh! I destroyed it anyway. My fault. It's all my fault. 2010's February will never come again and so will my 16th birthday. I'm sad. Sad to the point where I have no more emotions or feelings. My mind is just blank.

I never like today. It's Thursday. I end early though but I have tuition at 4pm. It sucks because I always cannot keep my eyes open! Today after school ended, Hui Teng was supposed to teach me POA. In the end, we ended up doing spring cleaning. It's my duty today and other 2 which were supposed to do didn't. Hui Teng helped in cleaning the dirtiest whiteboard and it was sparkling clean when we were done. We used a lot of tissues and water. Every single tissue was blue and black after we've used it. Yuck.

Oh wells, I managed to do half of SS in the library while Hui Teng did her coursework. I like the atmosphere in the com lab in the library. It may be a bit noisy but somehow I was able to do my SS homework properly and do it with understanding. It's pretty cool. I did talk a lot to Hui Teng at the beginning. I had to talk to someone about my stuff and I know Hui Teng understands and she will be the last to tell anyone. She's one of my best friend whom I can share my stuff to. 

Next, I also can share my stuff with some people in badminton. It's ironic that my confusion also come from badminton.(Don't get it? NVM) Haha! I think I should cut down on telling people my problems, because I don't see it helping me. If I really need to tell someone, I think I roughly know who to turn to. 

I shall write until here.

ARGH! I hate my parents! I wish they can be OUT of my life for a year! That would be great and awesome!

My right shoulder is aching and my whole neck is aching too. I think I tire my neck area too much. I am doing nothing and yet I can still feel pain. Damn, why must I get this kind of thing now?!

My brain is bloody complex and messed up. My heart is trying her best to help me get through this crisis but she's confused too. Confused with feelings. My emotions are mixed up and I don't exactly know what I am feeling right now or what I should be feeling right now after so many things happened. 

From not being able to play well for competition, to not being able to train properly, to not doing well for tests, to not understanding what some teachers are teaching, to putting a friendship to test, to have to talk to him and last but not least, to have to solve all of these problems!

Mixed feelings 

I should be feeling happy because... I can't think of any reason. 

I should be feeling sad because my life is in a mess and no one can help me out.

I should be feeling like a loser because I should not have lost that SC's match. 

(He touched on this and well, what he said was quite true...)

I should be feeling excited because my self awareness camp is in 2 weeks time! 

(Still have competition, excited for what... ): )

I should have negative feelings because of everything that's been happening in my life right now... 

Today, I was damn hungry. I was thinking of food for about 8 blocks of different subjects. Man.. my recess was only at 11.10 and I'm starving. We should really have recess not pass 11am. It is unfair for people whom do not eat breakfast as we get hungry faster. I cannot concentrate when I'm hungry because my body is using up the energy to tell me that I need food. *SIGH*

After I was able to leave class, everything went abnormal. In the sense that whatever I tell someone it turns out the opposite and yes, coach talked to me after he talked finished with the secondary ones. We were on our way, I told her they wouldn't do that thing and just went we were about to open the door, the both of us heard the thing which I said they wouldn't be doing. Damn, I felt really ARGH! I should have knew that they would be doing that. 

Next, when we reached SCGS then our bags came. Went into the court to stroke. I felt super bored when I was playing the 1 point half court. I was restless. My match was okay. The scores for both sets were single digit. 

Coach arrived after Anabel's match. It was pretty fast. He talked to us about what are the worst kind of scenario we'll get for the 2nd round and so on. It was pretty long and I kinda forgotten those not very important ones. Just as I was about to leave, he said "Jia Ying, stay behind I need to talk to you after I talk to the sec ones". I was like "damn!" & "great!". 

I wasn't piss or anything just that I hope he could have talked faster with the sec ones. I waited quite long to see him. ARGH! He talked EVEN longer to me. The longest I've ever had with him I think. One to one. I think I needed it though. He said about a lot of stuff and well, the clearest is that for the past 1 week of competition and training, I wasn't playing the best I could. Thinking back now, I indeed didn't really play the very best which I could. He said a lot more other stuff and I kept it all in my heart. I won't say it here. It's too confidential/personal to say it here.

He did assume a bit of things wrongly here and there but oh wells, I didn't say anything. It was for my own good to listen to it anyway. Like if it was really that thing which caused me to be not my normal self, I know what to do of what I have to do. There's no harm in listening in other words. I tried my hardest to absorb everything he said but he can be quite long-winded at times. Oh wells, I understood what he said and will do my very best to change and be back to normal and play the best I can for my next upcoming match. 

I shall write until here. That's it for today (:

Is there anything that can make you happy?
I don't know what to say to make it better
Seeing you like this, down and hurt so badly
When you have been so kept together

What's this?
All this time I thought you didn't need me
Now I've gone from you and now you tell me

[Chorus:]
You're in love, but that's not what it was
All those times that passed by with no signs
And now you're telling me
You miss me, boy why couldn't I see?
And my heart don't agree with what you're telling me

You were nonchalant, strong, and unaffected
And you never wanted me to be there
I never saw your heart, that's how close you kept it
So right now I'm so unsure how to care

What's this?
All this time I thought you didn't need me
Now I've gone from you and now you tell me

[Chorus x2]

No attention was given
No affection from you to heal the hurt
I was hoping
I was wishing
Just to listen and to hear those words

[Chorus x2] 

Jordin Sparks (Now You Tell Me)  Love this song!

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues

But______

Part of the verse from Kelly Clarkson's song

I realized that I've been pretty vulgar in my previous few posts. Time to cut down on it man...

The difference between you and I is that you are straightforward and I'm not. (In terms of ____) 

I call it quits! I'm too stress to think about this and I have no space for it in my brain or heart.

I'm becoming more and more sensitive. I don't know why. I get paranoid over little stuff and the smallest things. 

I think deep down in my heart, I just want to go into deep sleep. I wish to never be able to open my eyes. Everything will come to an end and the teachers will have one less worry on a student, my friends will get over it very soon and forget about it and coach will have one less player to worry about and as for you... you will have one less person to complicate your mind. 

Sounds perfect

That previous post was really EMO to the max! IT'S BAD!

I find that I no longer know whats ______________!!!

I GIVE UP! 

IT'S KILLING ME! 

SUFFOCATING IN THIS SMALL ROOM IS NOT SCARY! 

WHAT IS SCARY IS TO NOT TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM OR HER. 

I WANNA TELL HIM THIS, I WANNA TELL HER THAT. 

I WANNA TELL SO MANY PEOPLE SO MANY THINGS BUT I JUST CAN'T!

TIME IS RUNNING OUT! 

I'M EMOTIONLESS AND EXPRESSIONLESS! (I hate saying this)

I'M FUCKED UP WITH MY LIFE AND I SHALL PERISH... 

I CAN'T SURVIVE ANY LONGER... 

MY LIFE WILL COME TO AN END RIGHT NOW...

You spin my head right round, right round, when ya go down when ya go down

You spin my head right round, right round, when ya go down when ya go down

WOOSH! Right Round by FLO RIDA! 

MY HEAD IS REALLY SPINNING! I'M CRAZY! 

I'm a crazy girl right now. A FUCKED up one. One that perhaps need to visit IMH. I'm cranky and lost (Ironic)

I will not show my most vulnerable side any time sooner. It shall be revealed perhaps in a few years time. I don't wanna breakdown, I don't wanna cry. I don't want people to say any negative stuff about me cos my life is already so FUCKED UP! My brain is FUCKED UP. I don't need people to come and pity me. I never need people to do that anyway. I don't want to feel like a pathetic loser.

It's up to me, myself and I to solve it. 

It's up to me, myself and I to untie it. 

It's up to me, myself and I to climb back up again,

It's up to me, myself and I to come back to my normal state. 

It's up to me, myself and I to give me, myself and I the time to heal.

It's time to say goodbye world, I shall handle my own stuff... (JUST KIDDING) 

I will die without talking

I will die without letting it all out

I will die without letting someone know

I will die for god knows what other stupid reasons

ALOHA :D

Everything is so complex right now... I think I mentioned before in my previous posts that during this period of time, I will go cranky, happy, unhappy any shit you can get out of me! It really did today. I don't know what to do or what to say... I think it's killing me. I wanna die before my brain gets too over loaded with stuff that it shuts down. It's less painful in my opinion. 

I don't know what to say or what to tell you. Action speaks louder than words and I don't know if I should do that thing which I plan to do. ARGH! I am not good with my words right now... I don't know what to say from the bottom of my heart. GOSH! I FEEL FUCKING FUCKED UP! 

My mind is too complex and my heart can't take it anymore. I wanna let go... I don't want to be the first to do everything... It's time to test "IT" out... 

You are someone whom I can talk to. Someone whom was there for me when I needed your help. You were there when no one was... even the closest one did nothing... Just wanna let you know that you're my guardian angel, someone whom protected me when I was in danger.. you came to my rescue. We talk like we're the only ones in the world. It's funny that we never had any sought of disagreement. You came into my life at the weirdest time of my life. 

I had trouble getting up and walking to school today. I felt like I was gonna puke and this time I really felt like fainting. For the first time, I felt like fainting really badly. Anyway, had to go for lessons and start school as per normal. My body was super weak and I felt like as though my body wanted to give up on me. I didn't allow it too. 

After a super long day of school, I went with the juniors to eat at macs. The trip there was okay (took bus) but the trip back was really exhausting. I felt so weak that I could barely walk or stand up. I wanted to just find a seat and sit down. I felt like puking along the way and finally I managed to reach school. Did my graph for 30minutes. 

Training came and man, I gotta say I was not moody at all.. instead I was having another kind of feeling... if you know me than you will know how I felt... but I don't think anyone knows... which means no one knows me deep inside...

The games were okay... I was again repeating my same old mistakes. It's kinda frustrating to know that time and time again, I make the FUCKING same mistakes. Nobody can help me, only I can... (My body is aching badly)

The talk with him was alright I think, though by now everyone knows about what happened to my rabbit... When he was talking about my rabbit, I wasn't sad or anything. Instead I felt blessed because before she left, she gave birth to 3 cute bunnies. It's like a gift from her before she left. She lies deep in my heart, forever and ever...

I was thinking in the bathroom just now. It's easy to get swayed away by the water when showering. I asked myself why is it time and time again I keep repeating the same mistakes? I know my mistakes but why is it I can't change it regardless of the amount of effort I put in to change it? 

I have no answer to those questions. I realized that I know how to play a complex game and play a tricky game but now that I need to play a simple game, I no longer know how. It's really hurting me to know that I cannot even play the most basic game and it was the first thing everyone was taught how to. It's saddening to let have my heart telling me that I can't play any simple shots or any simple game. It's saddening to know that my heart is aching because we've been trying to work together to overcome this problem. There's no solution to it yet. I'm scared, afraid and frightened.

I sound like as though my "heart" is someone. It may sound weird but that's how I like to depict it.

Today's lesson was okay. However, I had 2 blocks of Math after recess and I felt like as though it was never going to end. Mrs Kunna is back! Damn, I feel that she's putting a lot of pressure on us and every test of hers must get A like if the total score is 25, we must score 20 and above. If we don't score above 20, that's it man... hell will come to us. She is giving us a mock test tomorrow and I think I will cry man! I know quite a few people in my class don't understand what she's teaching partially because she didn't teach us for 1 week. Oh wells, I shall see how I'm gonna suffer tomorrow. If I go for training really down and god knows what... you know why. 

Anyway, after school we had our first ever SPA for Physics. At first, I thought it was a little bit boring because it's the afternoon and all our energy has been drained out. Secondly, Mr Ng was kinda boring as always. I listened to what we had to do of cos, if not I will be a blur sotong when it's time to do the prac. In the end, the practical was pretty okay and I'm trying to tell myself to love Physics so that my mind won't give up on it. The hardest subject for me to LOVE is Math. HAHAHA! I MUST WORK ON IT MAN!

Next, I went for training right after SPA. During drills with Divya, I realized that I forgot to eat lunch that's why my stomach kept growling. I was damn hungry and I said stupid stuff. When we finally get a break, I went down to get a Pau and apple tea. Divya and I quickly ran into the hall because coach was about to have a talk with the main players. Oh wells, managed to reach there before he started. (I think he would have waited for us too anyway, before he starts)

After his talk with us, we had to go down and run 2.4km. We had to run on the grass because the track girls were using the track. Damn, the ground was bumpy and I tried to persist man. Felt so great after I ran finished. We went back up and he immediately wanted us to play singles, 3 points. Man, I was kinda giddy and lost to Anabel. (My first opponent) Came out of the court and almost couldn't breathe. Later, I played with other people and met Anabel again. This time I manged to win her. Haha! (Perhaps it was due to the thing which I said to her) Hehe.

After everything finished, we did sprinting and then we sat down to think about what we did that was good for our pass few matches. I heard wrongly and instead I think of all the bad stuff. I thought about all the stupid mistakes I made and how many times the shuttle went out because I hit too hard. ARGH! I'm still not over it! I won't get over it for now...

Later on, played doubles. Coach was there to watch and damn, I really wanna kill myself. (Don't think I showed it) I made all the stupid errors after his reminders. I really think my brain is not working and I really wanna punch myself man! ARGH! I don't know what to do man... I told myself I will not breakdown any sooner, I will not be moody and I will try my very best to do what he says, correct my mistakes. I will however at certain point in time, be expressionless. Expressionless in my context means my face is neutral like not happy or sad or frowning. When I'm expressionless, it's either I'm down, sad, feeling stupid/crappy or  having deep thoughts. 

I hope tomorrow I won't do stupid things or make stupid mistakes. I wanna be OKAY for once! :'(