I usually don't write anything much on Sundays because nothing much happens accept doing homework, coursework and playing with my rabbits. Today, I wanna talk about positive stuff. I may miss a few because I am having negative feelings for now. Oh wells, let me write some positive stuff to cheer myself up. I may rant about stuff. Haha! I always do anyway.

I remembered that time when my shuttle kept flying to the umpire for Cheers competition. I laugh like non-stop and yes, I spat on Kit Yee's face. It was embarrassing but I continued to laugh anyway. Thank god he was a nice umpire.

I remembered how the whole sec 4's were tapping my shoulders non-stop. It was funny at first but then later I gave up trying to guess who it was. For a moment I thought perhaps they did that because they want to make me happy or they really have nothing better to do! AIYO! All damn childish! Come and attack the oldest one some more! Hahaha! That sounds funny! I LOVE MY BATCH! :D

I remembered the most recent one where the people whom went for dinner were so kind to leave the 3 sits in front of coach for us. Yi Ning and Shi Yin was also very kind to leave the sit in front of him for me. ARGH! All of you know that I am bloody uncomfortable sitting in front of him especially after the talk at SCGS! Tried asking Yi Ning to move in but she refused to. How is this even positive? Aye... now I'm mixed up with negative and positive. BOO HOO!

I can't remember anything funny anymore. I can say a lot of negative stuff but that's not what I want. I want to be positive like how I am last time. Does it mean that the older you get, the more negative you will be?

My life now is really caught up in the tornado. It's spinning and spinning and spinning non-stop. I want to cry but I don't know how. I'm emotionless and expressionless. Everything has come to a halt. It's like I'm brain dead but my heart keeps pumping blood to keep me alive. I am clueless on what to do and confused on what to feel. What is it I need most now? Is there someone whom can help me? What do I need to do right now? Can anyone answer me? 

Aye.. I started this post positively but ended it negatively. I failed to stay positive. Where's my positive energy? Have I used it all up? Is it still in me? 

I need to get things back on track... 

I really have to say that the beginning of 2010 is not a very good beginning. January of 2010 is the month in my whole entire life which I have cried most. It's not easy for me to cope with my problems, in badminton as well as studies and the things going on around me. My road is very bumpy and rough, making it harder and more difficult to continue. I am like trap in the quicksand and I am trying my best to find a way and get out of it.

Anyway, this morning we had training. I really don't know WTF I was doing! I deserve to get a few slaps! I can't get the simplest things right. The drill that we were suppose to do was easy but I really don't know why I can't even do that simple drill. My whole world is spinning like I'm caught in a whirlpool or something. My mind is so complex that even the simplest thing to just get the shuttle over the net, I can't do it. I'm confused and lost. I find myself drifting away. There were so many times I had to stop and take a break at each court. I had to calm myself down and then continue. I am exhausted, exhausted from what my brain is thinking about. Ever since Sc's match, my brain has been thinking about nothing but negative stuff. It has been thinking about the words coach said (I'm not affected by it, and I did take his advice), the mistakes I made during those last few points, the death of my rabbit (Yes, it was this which I cried and cried and cried) and the spinning going on in my head is making everything worse then ever. 

I wanna cry so badly to just pour everything out. But every time I want to cry, something in me will tell me not to cry. Perhaps it's my shell outside me that's sending that message. I think I have cried enough for this month. I really don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to cry for even the smallest things. But I think all these things are great that's why it had such a huge impact on me.

This person will never get to read it. Your words did not hurt me a single bit. I know you said all those words because you cared. I listened to what you said and took in your advice. I felt that I have disappointed you and the team. I can't forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I made. All I want to do right now is to work on those areas and the next time I enter the court, it will be a new me. A Jia Ying which is much better, not making stupid mistakes and not a let down to the team and you.

I need great strength and will to overcome this "messed up" me. I will do my very best to try all sorts of different ways to overcome it. It's not going to easy and I may go crazy along the way. Definition of crazy in my context: Laugh, cry, smile, scream and it can all happen in one day. 

Why are my post ever so sad? Ever so emo? Ever so crazy? Ever so negative? WHY?!  

I shall skip the school part and move on to my competition. Thanks everyone for all your "good luck"! (Though I know you all won't be able to see this)

I played first doubles. I had butterflies in my stomach before the match started. The atmosphere was so tense that I got tense too. As soon as the first singles finished her game, we went into the court to stroke. Everything was nice and fine. Our opponent was the captain and another girl. The game was very tense because the scores were close and both our opponents and us were having that "Fierce" attitude. The first set score was 18:21 and the second set score was 19:21. We lost. It was a close one. I was the one making the mistakes and I know that myself even without coach telling me. I felt really useless and extra. It's like I'm there in the court as a flower pot. Due to my stupid mistakes, we lost. I felt like a failure. I let the team down and coach as well. We were suppose to win but we didn't. If it wasn't for my stupid mistakes, we could have had a rubber set. 

I cried after my match. I cried because my stupidity ended the whole game and they won straight sets. I cried also because I let my team down and coach. I really don't know what to say. I think my tears went all out for that previous incident and this time after my match. Therefore, I didn't have any tears rolling down my cheeks when coach talked to us. I'm glad that I didn't cry and was too tired to. I almost cried when I was cheering for the 2nd doubles and 3rd singles. I hold back my tears. I'm not a cry baby! If you know me well, I don't cry easily. These few weeks, I don't know why I cry so easily. I guess I bottled all of it too full that the bottle let out some so that I can fill it again the next time. 

Well, I must say I'm actually glad to meet this pair of doubles. They really taught me a lot of things. I won't say it here but instead I will keep it in my heart and remember this match for as long as possible. It is the only match yet which I've came across which have taught me so many things. I will learn from my mistakes and prove to myself that I am not a failure. The most important thing which they have taught me was to fight to the end and keep the spirit burning! This failure will make me stronger and perhaps change my mentality in court the next time I play. 

For dinner and Prata House today, it was really ARGH! Shi Yin, Yi Ning and I reached there later than the rest because we had to send Divya off first cos she had to go back to camp. We reached Prata house and there were 3 seats nicely reserved for us right in front of coach! It was a long long long table all joint together. Shi Yin took the sit next to Meldee and Yi Ning took the sit next to Shi Ying. I had to sit in front of coach. It's not the first time I sat in front of him but after the talk we had with him I felt uncomfortable. I know he want to ask me "What happened to you?", his favourite question. I got over it and started playing games in Yi Ning's phone to distract myself from thinking about my match.

During dinner, he wanted to ask me something but he didn't in the end. He said it was personal and therefore he will ask me some other time I think. I think he will ask me that favourite question of his. I was texting Anabel throughout dinner and thank god he didn't see. He wanted to take a look at what I texted Anabel but I was quick enough to tell Anabel because she was sitting next to him. I was stoning during dinner and I was kinda having a negative feeling. Don't know how to say it or what it is. A mix feeling if I can call it. 

Oh wells, I shall write until here. It's time to sleep! There's training tomorrow! Aye... hope it's gonna be a happy day.

This morning, I was on the bus and I received a message. Mrs Kunna finally replied me because I message her the yesterday. She said she is ok and she will be back next Monday. It must be something serious she is having if not she wouldn't be absent for so many days. Oh wells, all the best for her health.

I am very tired today. From morning till tuition ended. I was super sleepy. The day kicked off with HHF. MY GOD! Stephanie and I should have ran in front. Instead Michelle and Shazwana was running in front. Stephanie ended up all the way far far behind. I went to find Stephanie to cheer her on and not give up. The class should really slow down man! Though it's a class of 15 only... Oh wells, I learned a lesson from this incident. While we were resting, we played this game called nasi lemak. It's a game I still have yet to get it right. They will be playing it for camp. Oh wells, I will be missing about half the entire fun time for camp due to competition. Aye... nothing I can do.

The following lessons were pretty okay. Social Studies was interesting because the teacher had those "Do You know" questions and very interesting topics about terrorism. Biology was funny because we were talking about our skin and nerves and stuff. Not bad for those 2 lessons. After recess, it was Mathematics. Mrs Kwan came in to teach us. I was trying damn hard to keep my eyes open, not because the way she teach was boring but because I was damn tired! My eyes were like closing and I was yawning away. After Mathematics was English. We had to write an essay. Damn, I should have write about "Keeping Cool" rather than "Life's Pleasure". I think she's gonna fail me for this piece. POA was next and we had a test. I know I did it all wrongly. TIME TO SEEK HELP SOON!

I thought I had the entire day of tomorrow free but I was wrong. Let me tell you why. the first 3 blocks tomorrow is CME and the the 3 blocks after that will be Math. Mrs Kunna takes my class for both the subjects. She will not be going to school tomorrow so I should have free blocks. After Math would be recess and after that it would be History. Ms Seet will be going for self awareness camp tomorrow so I will have free blocks too. After History, I will have to leave class for competition. What a perfect day, NOT!

For CME blocks, it will be taken away by English cos we missed English due to the thanksgiving mass on Tuesday. For Mathematics, Mrs kwuan will be coming in to teach us so there goes our free blocks. Now I only have History blocks for free... Aye... Miss Seet sure give us some homework to do! Damn! What a day tomorrow!

Tomorrow we are battling against SCGS. I have faith and confidence in myself as well as the team. We can fight this battle and win it! Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE! :D 

Today, school was pretty fun. To start off the day with Chinese is a little sian because all our brain haven't start working yet so it kinda suck. We didn't do anything heavy though. After that had 3 blocks of SS. After SS was recess!! 9.30am recess!! GOSH! I call that heavy breakfast! The funniest thing was that PE was right after recess! How to run man! However, today's PE was saved by health check up. We went for health check up half way during PE lesson. Ms Teo was just talking about our body and stuff anyway. After health check up, I had Ms Seet's lesson. Felt like dying. Haha! I understand a little of what she's talking about. I don't know why she move like a train! SO FAST! It's like she's always rushing every single lesson. Like there's never enough time for for subject. I attended 20 minutes of English and then left for competition.

Went down for lunch and then left school at 1pm. When we were at the bus-stop, there was this stupid commotion. Ms Mas said we can take 154 to SCGS whereas Yi Ning and Shi Yin say cannot. Gab asked the bus uncle if it goes to SCGS. OF COS NOT LA! Must say SJI! None of the bus stops directly outside SCGS! So Ms mas and I had already board the bus whereas the rest didn't dare to board because Yi Ning and Shi Yin said not to. I was kinda piss. I mean Ms Mas must have already check with the SCGS teacher or the internet for the buses that goes there! ARGH! We had to get down the bus in the end. When we reached SCGS, the bus stop where we had to walk from to SCGS, I checked that bus stop. Indeed 154 stops at that bus stop too! AYE! So much for the stupid argument. 

Reached SCGS, felt that we are always neglecting her. I tried to bring her in or rather talk to her. Oh wells, coach came around 2+pm. When he came in, my eyes went directly to his hands! Haha! MY RACKET! Haha! Restring finish already! I went to him right away to take my racket. I wanted to try the tension. Guess what?! I don't like the tension actually. The tension is 26, I should have gotten 27! Aye, if it wasn't for the shortening of the rackets life, I would have ask him to string 27. Oh wells, I don't like the feel actually. It's different. 1 tension different makes a HUGE difference! Haha!

Anyway, I played 1st doubles. It was pretty easy. A quick game I can say. The 1st singles had rubber set and while our school was having rubber set, all the schools started on their doubles already and some on singles. Haha! My partner and I ended the game pretty quickly. We should have met the 2nd doubles. They were our opponents last year. We won them last year. It was a tough fight for the juniors to play with that pair because it was their better pair.

Oh wells, we won with a score of 4:1 in the end. I rewarded myself with 3 pieces of salmon after my match at SCGS's canteen. Haha! It was fresh and awesome! I felt happy and all pumped up to support the rest. Haha! Perhaps salmon is my motivation now! HAHAHA!

I shall write until here. To be continued... 

I don't know why you are so "ARGH"! I never said I wanted a rabbit. It was you guys whom wanted it. So now you're freaking blaming me for not clearing it's shit and everything?! For gods sake, you said you will not want to keep the rabbits anymore if I don't help clean it. I'm super fine with it! I never said I wanted one anyway! It's not my responsibility to help take care of the rabbits. I never said I will take care of them or anything. It's you whom bought it! BAKA!

Next, lessons were okay today, just that towards the end of the day, I felt so lethargic. It was Physics to end the day. While Mr Ng was trying to show us some static kinda spark thingy in class, I took that chance to rest a little. It was not successful in the end. During his lesson, I was rubbing my head to see why it was hurting. I realized then that it was due to the shuttle yesterday where it hit my head due to Yi Ning's smash. -.-

Tomorrow would be a pretty okay day because we have health check up and lessons are not that packed. We also have PE during health check up so its kinda like double bonus because we can skip 2.4km I think. Haha! Actually, it's triple bonus for me! I'm leaving class at 12.10pm for competition! Health check up ends at 12pm. Haha! Not a bad day tomorrow I predict... 

I will definitely do my best tomorrow if I get to play. I'm ready for this battle. It seems like only yesterday we ended zonals! Wow! Time flies man... Oh wells, tomorrow is the start of our battle and we are gonna fight like crazy till we win the battle! (:  

I shall write until here. Tomorrow I shall be happy and the day after and the day after and the day after! It's not that hard to achieve it for a cheerful girl like me! :D

Today as I walk to school, I felt so heavy. My heart was heavy, my foot steps were heave and my head was heavy too. I was thinking about her again. I have decided that what is done cannot be undone so I shall slowly start to let go, bit by bit everyday.

Next, lessons were not that heavy. I has free blocks for Mathematics and Chinese. Both my teachers were on course. I don't understand Ministry Of Education at times. Why send these teachers for course during lesson time? Why send the teachers that are teaching the secondary fours? Why can't they attend the course during holidays or perhaps send the teachers teaching lower secondary? These teachers go for courses and they have no choice because they are sent by the Ministry Of education. However, we the secondary fours also have no choice but to repeat our year or go ITE if we fail our O'levels this year. We have less than 8 months to prepare for O'levels. Every single day and time we spend in the classroom with our teachers are precious. I just hope that these teachers can faster come back to continue what they are suppose to teach.

At the end of the day, had Bio SPA. We had to deal with onions. It was fun chopping the onions and god knows what IJ girls do to it. Haha! After finishing everything, it was about 4pm. Divya and I quickly went to the hall and change. We did warm up then we did 6 corners, 20 times, 5 sets. After that, we did drills on the last court. It was okay, not very energy consuming.

After everything finished, it was 4.45pm. We end training at 5pm. Coach talked to us about competition and stuff. Miss Mas also was telling us about what time to leave class and so on. After that, we had to do skipping 1000 times. Damn, it sounds a lot. No choice, still have to do. It was fun doing it outside because there was wind and we could relax a little and not think so much about skipping skipping skipping.

Finally, came the games. Those who want to stay back and play can, those who don't want to can leave first. I stayed back because I came only for an hour of training. It was pretty fun the games. Though I didn't win any matches, it was a good experience. However, there must always be something stupid happening. Stupid Yi Ning smash also don't know how to smash. She smashed my head when I already squat down at the front. Damn it sia, it hurt so droplets of tear came rolling down my cheeks. I can still feel the pain up till now. Oh wells, I guess my tears has been uncontrollable these few days.

Oh, I forgot to say one more important thing which happened today. When I was doing drills with Divya and Xin Yan, I had a feeling coach's racket string is gonna burst. The strings move here and there after like hitting one or two shuttles. I had to adjust the strings every single time I had the chance to. Finally, this shot which came from Divya, made it all came true. The string burst after I defended that shot. I was feeling a little O= at first because it was his racket. The good thing was that I wanted to change the tension so thank god, he didn't blame me or anything. Phew...

Oh wells, that's it for today. To be continued...      

Today, I stayed at home to do my F&N coursework. I was suppose to go out with my parents but I told them I can't because I have too many things to do. Coursework was super tiring, I was so glad that I finished it around 5pm. By the way, I woke up at 1pm and ate my lunch until 2pm.

I just came back from dinner. Fetched my brother back to his camp site near Mandai. The journey was super long but I love it. I started to think about this and that in the car. My dreams can really go wild.

I don't know what to say or what to do. I just feel like a transparent person. What am I to you? Am I anything at all? I don't know where I stand or where I am at now. I never know because you never say anything. The last time you said anything to me was perhaps November or December. I am really clueless. I feel like a restless soul, just floating around in the air, minding my own business. You are perhaps too tired to care, too tired of having the same scene happening over and over again. I guess you have nothing to say to me either. Aye.. I have given up too.

Next, thanks for the racket. You will never be able to read this of cos. I want to re-string the racket to change the tension but it will shorten the life of your precious racket. *Sigh* What am I suppose to do man... Can I buy your precious racket? But since it's your precious racket because it's the last one, I'm sure you won't sell it to me unless of cos it's broken. If only I can buy it from you, then I can do anything to it...

Oh wells, I bought a grip for your racket. It sounds funny hahahaha. It's still black, your favorite color. Aye, I don't even know if my parents allow me to buy it. HEY! I can use my ang pao money to buy! Hahaha! Maybe ah. Hmm... not bad an idea.

Hehe I shall write until here. 

Something happened last night. I cried when I was sleeping.

This morning, I woke up pretty early as I don't want to be late for training. She lay there so beautifully and all the memories flew back all at once. I cried. I bathe and packed my stuff and left house. In the bus, I was not able to control myself and so I just kept crying and crying silently. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I wiped away droplets of tears after droplets of tears. It just kept flowing down. For the whole journey, I just kept crying.

When I reached the interchange, I can't stop my tears from flowing and so it just kept flowing down after I wipe away the previous one, all the way until I reach the hall. I felt a shiver down my spine when I was walking down the aisle of the hall. I know that no matter what happens for training, I cannot cry. I refuse to let anyone see me cry or know that I'm in pain (heart). I was thinking of scenes like me crying and coach had to ask why or play half way during a match than run out of court.

I went to the toilet and look at myself in the mirror. I told myself that from than on, I must put away that thing away. I must not let it affect my training because they are 2 different things. I washed my face and went out to get ready for training.

After doing agility, we played catching. It was alright. Then, I did drills with Gabrielle I felt so tired that I had to stop after a few shuttles. Later, we played games. For games, it was horrible. Everything I did seems to go wrong. The angle that I want, the place where I want the shuttle to go, all went wrong. It felt like as if someone was playing around with me. Trying to do the opposite of what I want to do. I did let that thing affect me. I couldn't help it. My heart was aching and I wanted to cry. I realized then that I was too tired to cry and also there were no more tears left. Every single game I played today was rubbish! It really was. I played so badly that I nearly wanted to kill myself for playing so badly and letting that thing affect me.

Coach talked to us after everything has ended. He talked about competition and who has brains and everything. Then after a while, I heard him say "can you all look up or not, stop looking down at the floor" something like that. I knew immediately that I was one of them. Only 2 people were sitting down with their heads facing the ground and that was Shi Yin and I. I was thinking that perhaps I should just raise my head but with my eyes looking down. I made the effort to do that. I was happy with myself that I still made the effort regardless of how defeated I was by that situation last night. My face had no expression though.

Training, training, training... Due to training, teacher's have complained that I look tired during their lessons. I find it really ironic for 2 out of the 3 teachers whom said I look tired. For one of the teachers, I am very energetic in the class, I always answer questions! I just cannot find a reason as to why I was complained by this particular teacher. The other one even cuter. That teacher does not even know my name! How can that teacher say then that I look very tired in her class? That teacher does not even know what position I have in the class.. do you now how sad that is to have your ... not knowing what position you hold in class... after 3 weeks of school already. ):

Oh wells, I shall write until here. Tata!   

I don't like the time table for today. Not at all. There's simply too many subjects squeezed together all in one day. I find it hard to catch a breath. I was praying so hard for not just the day to end but also tuition. After school has ended, I finally was able to breathe but that was only for a while. We had class com photo taking and damn, we had to wait for the photographer for so long. So many of us were impatient because we had other things to do. Finally when it was the class com turn to take picture, we took only 1 picture! WTH! I waited for 30minutes plus just to take 1 picture?! I don't even know if the picture was blur. Oh wells, never mind.

I rushed down for math tuition and was about 5 to 10 minutes late. After my tuition teacher taught me what Mrs Kunna was teaching this morning, I finally understood how to do those kind of questions. I was busy copying the graph instead of listening in class and therefore I quickly clarified my doubts when I went for tuition.

I AM FINALLY HOME! Hahaha! So glad to be home. I finished bio homework at home and the rest I finished it in school. I am planning the dinner for self awareness camp right now. Tomorrow is Friday! YAY! I'm glad that the week is coming to and end. I really need a break man. However, I have to use this weekend to study for all the tests coming up next week.

~Personal Feeling~

Today started off not very good because all you see is teacher come in and teach then after 2 blocks change to another teacher than change again. Actually, I was kinda exhausted when the day ended. I felt so tired on my way for tuition. When tuition ended, I was super happy. It's like a relieve for me.

I have mix feelings everyday. I may be high for certain days and low for other days. I may get cranky for some days or go crazy! I'm sure everyone has seen me go crazy. There's many meaning to this crazy here. One of them is due to stress while the rest is just purely craziness. I am a positive independent girl. I do not like negativity nor do I like people who gives me stress for no reason.

I don't know what crap I just wrote for ~Personal Feeling~. Anyway, I feel like writing a post for every single person. From classmates to bad team to friends. I shall take the risk if I have the time.  (:                                

I don't know what to say. I think I have given up on thinking about it. Ways which can make it get better. I think it's best to go our separate ways. I think it's time to let this fly away. Let the memories fly away too and never think about it ever again. It's useless and not helpful. It just takes up space in my memory. It's time to delete it and wash it away. Don't think it will ever be the same again...

Find a way to read the words in the red box. LOL! If you really think that was true, then I don't know what to say. (It doesn't even sound like me to be honest. So negative) Hahaha! I was joking up there! Though you all always say I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy to the extend whereby I'm letting this friendship fly away! Hahaha! It's gonna be kept safely in my heart. It's hard to say but there's something there that's in the way. I don't know what it is. It's a little hard to communicate like before. It's just different. Perhaps time is all we need.

Aiya! Why this post so emo! You see la! Because of you! Hahaha! Just kidding... It's a post full of lame shit. And yes, I'm LAME! Proud to be a LAMER, and will always be one! :D

Today's lessons were okay. It is the day which I like best because the subjects were not so tense. Assembly was really fun. The dancers were so delicate with their movements and they were so elegant. They move like faeries and their movements were so synchronized.

Next was training. I was not sad! Haha! It was not a super tiring training but more of a light training. I love it! Haha! Cos yesterday I played like crazy. Tired until like gonna die. Anyway, we did physicals until 4pm. It was tiring but I managed to finish it all.

After that was drills with the C'division. I did it with Victoria the sec 2. Her skills were there just that she does not have much power. Overall, it was okay because I didn't have to run around or move much. We played 21 points half court after that. It was a fun fun relaxing game.

   

Next came the one where you must hit after the cones. I like that the best. I have a liking for it and I don't know why. Haha!

Finally, I had to partner Yi Ning against Sarah and Gabrielle. It was a "had to win" kind of match because I didn't want to do punishment especially when I have my menses. Punishment was kangaroo hops. We won and in the end, they didn't have to do the punishment because coach said don't need. ARGH! If the one who won was them, I'm sure there's no escape for us. Aye..

After playing with them, we had to play with Sarah and Divya. We won the first set and they won the second set. We didn't play rubber. I was kinda tired by then but I didn't stop because I know I can't. Here comes an unfortunate incident which happened during our first match. Yi Ning and I were going front back here and there to hit the shuttle. I was at my side of the court and I went in front to quickly safe the shuttle, at that point in time, I slipped. (I think) I stayed there for about 5 seconds. At that point in time, I saw this green figure (vision was blur) then I realized that coach was staring at me. I quickly got up and took my racket which landed not that far away from me but I had to take a few steps to get it. I went back in position not knowing what was happening then. I turned to see if Yi Ning was gonna safe that shuttle and woosh, I think she slipped. Damn, both of us injured ourselves just to safe that shuttle. Oh wells, it was funny and we got back on track asap.

I shall write until here (:

For some reasons, I have been emotionally down. No one knows because I don't put it on my face and let everyone see. There are only 3 faces which I show, the day-dreaming face, black face and of cos, my smiley face (:  I am a positive person, well at least I try to not think about the negativity of things so much. In life, people are always prudent (always expecting the worst) and that is human nature.

Why am I talking about that? Haha! I'm not here to talk about human nature! Anyway, back to my emotions. I am emotionally down because there's just so many things going on. There will surely be something on everyday. If there isn't, then there must be something wrong. I am freaking stress over school stuff. From coursework to homework to lessons to trainings and to a new thing called "friend". I want to go into coma. I don't want to wake up for the time being. I need a break from all these things. I have a feeling that I may break down and cry. I don't want to and hope I will not especially during training where it's the easiest place to make me cry. ( I don't know why though)

I wanna tell someone but after thinking about it, what is there to say? Tell her that I'm stress over all these things and expect her to console me and tell me that everything will fly pass very quickly in the end? No. It's not going to be this way. I don't need that someone to say nice things to me. Things that when you're down, you always here. I am strong. I am able to keep it inside myself. The only thing I'm scared is that I may not be able to take it and end up tearing in the end. (even if I want to cry, I won't. I will just keep tearing.)

If I breakdown and you happen to see it, good for you. I never ever cry for this kind of reasons. I have cried in front of people but it was when my thumb was swollen during fairfields match and the sec 4's farewell. I am confuse with how I'm feeling right now. It's probably the stupid thing that I'm having now that is making me go crazy. However, I know myself pretty well that I am bottling up a lot of things. It's not good and I have not cried ever since the sec 4's farewell. I have only teared.

There is one small action that will make me cry. I found out that it's my weakness or you can say that I feel so safe that I just let my tears roll down my cheeks. If you know me well, you should have found out by now. I never knew about it until that day.

Btw, whoever is reading this. If you really see me breakdown, please don't make it a big thing. If you see it, just keep it to yourself. (:

I think I just wrote crap up there!

Today's training was okay. It was super tiring at first. I almost died though it was multiples. It was killing me man! Haha! I felt like as though my heart was gonna stop and I cannot breathe! I hit coach while doing tapping. Stopped for just a few seconds to I guess feel the pain. Hahahaha! Then continued. After the killer multiples, I did lob, chop smash full court with Divya. It was okay. We didn't really had a nice continuous rally though, because I had stomach ache and she had cramps.

Next, Yi Ning and I had to play with uncles that were playing on the other court. We lost our rubber set. I felt that we could have hang on a little longer but I think Yi Ning had no more stamina and I was freaking piss at myself and a little bit at her. I was so stupid to keep smashing the the left hander's fore hand. Aye, I felt so dumb. I was piss at my partner because what coach said to us was true, she drop more than 6 times and they went into the net. It keeps happening time and time again. I was too angry to tell her to stop doing it. If I tell her, I would be shouting and not talking softly anymore. My mood was damn bad during the game for rubber set. I felt like my menses was coming and it really came during training!

The 2 opponents didn't have much skills but they could last longer by playing more rallies or not get tired for rubber set. Coach said girls lose out in that because we cannot last that long and I believe in that. We lost partly because I think Yi Ning couldn't last long enough because all the shuttles kept flying to her. I was affected by my mood. It was at this point in time where I feel that my partner is lacking in. The ability to cool me in court. Well, like what I mentioned in my previous post, I cannot expect  her to go learn how to cool me down in court for the sake of me. It's unfair and an act of selfishness. I don't blame her for that but it's always good to have someone there for you when you need one.

For the next match, I partner Shi Yin. Long time never partner her already and we played with a different pair Yi Ning and I played with. The last match score was 20-22. We lost. Haha! I think if we had a little practice, we can win for sure. They are good and I think we lost to them mainly because we haven't partner each other for a long time.

The next game I partner Anabel but this time it was against Sarah and Shi Yin. We lost. I was kinda tired to be honest. I don't feel tired but my body does. It's either like that, or the other way round. Haha! I have to say that some of her strokes were really nice. It's like my 2nd time partnering her only.

Coach talk to us about stuff which I kinda forgot. Opps! Haha! I have short term memory.

This morning for school, I thought I was not going to be able to walk out of the class alive. I thought a teacher was gonna come after me for my homework. Thank god, I manage to walk out of the class alive! I felt awesome when Mr Ng released us. I was so glad school ended.

For the match I had with Yi Ning, I was super moody. I was so piss and I didn't know why until training ended. I felt like as though I was a ball of fire. Ready to burnt anyone who is in my way alive. When I'm angry, don't say any negative stuff to me. I may burnt you really badly and I'm sure you don't want that to happen to you.

I shall write until here. Nitez! (: 

Sorrow

It's hard to say goodbye. When I think that it's time to, something in me tells me it's not. Then my memory brings me back to the past where all the wonderful memories were kept. I felt like though I keep telling myself that it's over, I know that it's not. Perhaps it's how the surfaces blinds us. It's hard to tell whether you are still something special to that person. It is hard to tell whether that person still cares for you. It is harder to know if you are a jewel to her and not some rubbish that's chucked aside. (I don't know why my eyes are blinded by the tears... perhaps it's the emotions accumulated throughout the pass few weeks)

I know that you are kept safely in my heart. A position where only you can have it and is worthy to. The doors are close for a period of time and I think it's time to open it. Throughout my whole life, you are someone whom I have shared some of the best times together. Times where one of us is so down to the point where it's so personal that you are willing to share with the 2 of us. There are times where we were so happy that I felt that it was the best times of my life. Those happy times may never come back again...

I believe it's time to begin a new chapter. A chapter where there's not going to be so many sorrows but more of happiness. It's time to write a new story. A stronger & thicker bond will be build and it won't be that easy to destroy this time.      

Today is a day where I was happy at first, then I started to get angry and in the end, I was so sad that I felt like crying. Of course, I hold back my tears during my game with Kit Yee and Meldee. Meldee sprained her ankle pretty badly and her brother came to fetch her. Hope she recovers soon.

Next, my morning was quite okay. I played well and was happy. Went for lunch and damn, I had to sit in front of coach in the canteen. I never had a problem sitting in front of him for dinners with him outside because the table was big, but this table was so small! I was like DAMN! Hahaha!After that, we went back to the hall.

Everything was fine, I enjoyed my game with someone, can't remember who. I realized that I was starting to get angry and pissed at myself as well as someone else. I think my menses is coming and therefore it explains my sulky mood. I really need someone who can help me to chill on court but however, she doesn't seem to be able to know how. I can't expect her to go and learn and help me. It's unfair and stupid. I have to be independent on myself on court and now, I feel like as though I'm playing singles.

We are not like before anymore and perhaps the reason is because you have already found a new substitute. I am no longer needed. Time really flies, now we're super close and the next thing you know, you don't even know what she's thinking. It's funny and sad. All I can say is all the best to you and your new substitute. We do have some stuff that only the both of us knows and perhaps that was one of the reasons which kept us so close like super glue last time.

Time has change, you have found a replacement and I have found mine. It's time to say ttys (talk to you soon) if there is still anything to talk about, anything that can be done or clarified. If there's nothing, then ttyn (talk to you never). If you think it's you, then it's you. If you think it's not, then it's not. If you don't know, then perhaps it's not you.

Hold on to what you try to be

Your individuality

When the world is on your shoulders

Just smile and let it go

I was able to have a good time today during lessons. It was rather easy to get by because the subjects were not that "heavy" and that I only had 4 subjects with of cos many blocks. English was good because I understood what she was talking about and I did pick up some useful points from her, unlike my previous English teacher who did not really teach me anything. I had 5 blocks of Chinese and I really enjoyed it. Chinese became more fun ever since my Chinese teacher change to a better one. I understand what lao shi is telling us like the "hot topics" that may come out for exams and stuff like that. Some of them were sleeping in class and it's probably cos of the air-condition and the fan. Haha! I was like "Huh.." when Chinese ended. 

Next was training. Damn, it was bloody tiring! Seriously! We had to do footwork 20 times 5 sets. We didn't even get a break! We had to do side-side, backwards, netting and swing 5 times come in front net. I was bloody exhausted! Then after that it was smashing and defend I think. It was pretty boring. After that was practicing of service and your partner receive. My partner was Sarah. We changed and I had to go over to the other side. I was nearer to where coach was. Suddenly, I hear him asking me to stop. He told me to bend a little and not stand up straight when receiving. I was trying to bend but I felt awkward. He used his freaking racket to hit my leg a little so that I could bend like the way he wanted me to. Gosh! I felt like a "dough" at that time. 

After service, we went to take a break. I thought it was time for games cos it was 5.30pm and we usually have games around that time. I was happy because I told myself that finally I can try what I have learn from the drills to apply it in my game. In the end, we had to do sprinting! MY GOD! I was really piss because that means if there's games, I would have to stay back later and wait for others to play before I can play. I can't obviously. In the end, I went to find Miss Mas to handle the treasurer's book. 

Miss Mas and I took about an hour plus to sought out the money and record it in the book. At first we found out that the badminton fund was short of money then later it had extra money. Haha! My back was aching but it was a lot of fun because Miss Mas and I kept laughing at why the money doesn't add up and where did the money came from. I had fun but at the same time I needed to crack my head to think about all the money used and collected. Haha! 

I wanna say something. I don't know how to put it down in words or say it. Forget it, when I think of a good way to phrase it, then I will write it here. (: 

Finally, I wanna end off by telling you that I am the new JY. The JY whom I know have changed a little. To perhaps have a wider view of things and is able to judge things for herself. I am independent and do not need a support. Unless I really need to find someone to confide my feelings to, I will look for you...

Does anyone sneeze after drinking black current juice with pulps? I do! Am I allergic to it? Haha!

Anyway, I could barely survive at the end of the day. Today was a pretty tiring day. Had History, E-Math, Chinese, English and Physics. Chinese was pretty fun cos lao shi was telling us about articles and stuff that may come out for orals. She did it in an interactive way like she didn't read the story to us but more of like summarize the whole story for us. We did discuss a bit and I think some of them were not paying attention due to the noise. Oh wells, never mind. We didn't have to do anything important today.

Training was at Yio Chu Kang. I don't wanna talk about it. I'm feeling much better now. I know and will sort out my stuff and so please don't interfere with it. (I'm saying this to someone)

This paragraph is about my life right now. I feel like as though I'm in a flood and I'm trying to stay above the waters. I am holding on tightly to something. I feel that I may drown anytime and no one can safe me. The only way to get out of this situation is to wait for the water level to drop then call for help. (To solve my problems. In other words, I need time)

I shall write until here. To be continued...

Today, PE was the first 2 blocks. Damn! I thought we could play soccer but in the end we had 2.4km run!! AHH! I almost died! It was my worst timing ever. I ran with Jeany for the first 6 rounds I think then I felt that I still have quite a lot of energy so I went running on my own non-stop. In the end, I got 16minutes. SUPER BAD! Badminton player some more! Hahaha! We took height and weight and after that, we went up for math.

F&N O'level coursework question was released during lessons today. We had ample time to think of which question we want to do. In the end, the whole entire class of 17 chose to do question 1. It was rather straightforward whereas the 2nd question needs you to think or rather look at it from a different point of view.

Physics was pretty cool. Mr Ng brought examples to class to teach his lessons. I find it pretty interesting and a good way to pick up things faster. However, I can never look at his eyes. Hahaha! I always feel like sleeping when I see his semi-close eyes. He has a pair of sleepy eyes where after you look at it for sometime, you tend to want to sleep. Hahaha!

The whole class went to the hall at 2pm to experience how it feels like to receive the O'levels results. It's pretty tense but overall, the batch of 2009 did very well. It's terrifying to see those distinctions and passes above national level. Pressure!!

We were late for Bio practical and we thought we had to wait for Mr Tang. Hui Teng and I went to ask him and he said Miss Lock will be taking over him and we have to faster go to the bio lab. Miss Lock was waiting for us there and I felt that Miss Lock was rather unusual, like she wasn't cheerful or smiling. Creepy.

Training was the best! I skipped gym and move on straight to using to courts. We had to smash and do           skipping. I shall not elaborate cos time is running out! Haha! We laugh a lot today and I agree that we were     damn noisy! Haha! Coach had to ask us keep quiet! He was happy too, laughing with us. (:                            

Today I woke up late. I had to take cab down to school. Damn! Cost me about $5+. My lunch money.. ): Anyway, went into hall and put my stuff down and started practicing service. That was not the tiring part. Drills came and it almost killed me! I thought I was gonna partner Anabel but instead I partner shi yin. It was bad!! I can't get my shuttle in and always go out! ARGH! Piss off sia.. So much energy was drained from it and I felt like I was dehydrating. I needed water and my lips were super dry. Oh wells, had to bare with it. I used the court that was near the entrance of the hall. Coach shouted from the stage steps "Jia Ying! Move your legs!" Damn! I felt like a loser! Cos I was reminded of it constantly for almost every training. I did improve on my legs for the 3 weeks I didn't see him ok. I guess I will have to try harder.

Next, he wanted to talk to us about our draws and everything. He talk talk talk, until this part where it concerns me. He left this major decision to me. He did tell me before to make up my mind and tell him the answer. Then he again said it today. I wasn't able to answer him because it totally slipped out of my mind. Thanks for his reminder this morning and now I have more things to worry about. Aye...

Yi Ning and I played against Lai Meng and Sharon. Tough fight I have to say. The last set score was 21:19. We won in the end. Yi Ning was damn happy because we have never won them and this time for friendly match with them, we actually won. I was just content with myself. I know I did quite a lot of mistakes here and there. This time, the 2nd set coach said something to me. "Don't be greedy! Her shuttle let her take!" Aye.. 2nd time he shouted at me.

Then after our match he said some stuff to us. I can't remember everything. I have short term memory in case you didn't know. Oh wells, after that match I had to leave for tuition. Late for tuition for 5 minutes. Tuition was okay, not tiring or anything. I enjoy it cause it's bio.

Went home after that than went for dinner. Oh wells, I think tomorrow we're gonna bring the bunnies out. The big bunnies and the small bunnies are kawaii! Haha! Btw, today after training when I contract my stomach, I feel the muscle aching. I don't know why. I get it only when I do too many crunches/sit-ups. I did none today. It's weird. Still thinking of how I got it... (:                                                                

Today's training I said "Fuck You" damn loud. I was a little over the edge I think and coach asked me to do 50 push ups after my match. I said "ok" and I didn't mind actually. I had quite a lot of energy to do the 50 push ups because 3/4 of training was boring to the max! Thus, I did have some energy to the 50 push ups. It wasn't really a big deal for me cos I think I needed that. Haha! Weird to say this but yeah.

For some reasons, I feel like I am there next to her just to fill that space. I feel like I'm not playing my part and just there to drag her down. It is quite... to know that you are there trying your very best but she is just ahead of you the entire time. This feeling sucks! :(

Oh wells, I shall try to be cheerful and hopefully I stop myself from using that word that caused me to do 50 push ups.

Today is a not so good day. Lessons were okay and I almost died during Math cos I had a hard time catching up. After school ended, went to put down my bag in the hall and ate lunch with Shi Ying and Claire. We laugh and talk about funny stuff.

Then comes training. It was damn ARGH! My performance sucks! The new sec 1's came for trials and a few of them were selected. It started at 3pm and they went back around 5.30pm. Pretty late. During the time they were having trials, we were doing lobbing, smashing, dropping. Those were kinda bad... cos I was not able to do it properly for some reason. What was worst was the freaking half court game! ARGH! I HATE IT! I HATE HALF COURT! Ever since sec 1 when I was introduced to the half court game, I hated it! The last person was Shi Yin and obviously I gave up. I think coach saw cos he was sitting somewhat at my side. He told me to move my legs.

ARGH! Don't wanna talk about that. Next came 4 against 1. The 1 was gab. The whole game was damn sian! Usually I would laugh and play but today I was so troubled (with i don't know what) that I didn't even really have the energy to smile. Aye... I have too many troubles. 2 against 3 was also boring. It's like there's nothing interesting about today accept perhaps watching the new sec 1's play.

I told Anabel yesterday that I may breakdown today due to the troubles and problems I have to face at the start of 2010! I didn't breakdown in the end but instead it was Yi Ning. She has her reasons. I overheard something which coach told her and I shall keep that in mind because that applies to me as well. I shall restructure it and remember in my head. With the same meanings of cos.

If you are moody, you are dragging your partner down with you by not playing well. Just cause you have mood swings, it does not give you the right to make your partner suffer. She has done nothing wrong and it was because of your selfishness that lead to her suffering.

I Must Get Back On My feet And Get Out Of This Mess! I Am Currently Stuck In Quicksand!

What a sickening day!

Today is the 3rd day of school. Lessons were not boring but I was kinda tired. I had English, Bio and POA after recess. Chinese had 5 blocks and my Chinese teacher didn't come so we had free blocks until assembly. POA was fun. It did actually keep me awake in class when Mrs Siau was telling her stories. I find that it's a pretty good way to relax during lesson time but I was just scared that she is not able to finish what she is suppose to teach. Oh wells, she's a good teacher.

Next, comes lunch. I skipped lunch to be exact. My lunch was replaced by my "morning run" so therefore I ran by myself 8 rounds around the track. The first time I get the feel of the track again ever since school ended. I was kinda tired of the view cause I kept seeing cars and buildings and I kept going round and round. I already had muscle ache when I was running and the muscle ache was from the previous training.

During Bio, Mr tang was talking about anaerobic and aerobic respiration. He said something about when you are using a lot of energy to do perhaps 2.4km for nafar, you will feel you muscle aching and that is because our body produces an acid called lactic acid. It is harmful to our body if our body produces too much of it. It will freeze our muscle and thus we get muscle ache. It is not good.

However, the more one do this kind of activity that requires a lot of energy, our body will increase it's capacity of taking in lactic acid and so we won't get muscle ache so easily as compared to people whom do not exercise that much. It's good that I know this but I was thinking why is it that I always get muscle ache during training when we do this kind of thing every training? Shouldn't my body have a larger capacity to take in lactic acid? Haha!

Training was TERRIBLE! Again I didn't play well. It seems like the first week of 2010 is a bad start for me. I was paranoid about something and the deeper I think, the more I couldn't play. The matches I played, I felt like that was how I played when I was in sec 2. I am sure that today is not the day where people have those "bad days" which they call it. Today is one of the days which I have worries in my mind but just not those mood swings and stuff. Oh wells, I should stop worrying so much and until I tell that person, I will continue to worry. Can't stop my brain when it wants me to focus on that most important thing where one wrong move can destroy everything. Only people whom don't know me will think that I have a bad day.

I shall write until here... (): 

Today is only the 2nd day of school and I cannot believe that I already have worries since day 1. The worries are all linked to Badminton. The upcoming South Zone Competition is driving me nuts! Every single training I have to worry about this and that! My life sucks man! This year is the WORST year! I shall conquer this year and regardless of how difficult the obstacles are, I am going to overcome it! There are going to be many sacrifices this year that I have to make but I'm willing to due to the fact that I believe I am able to persevere and overcome all these challenges.

Today's training was okay. So little people and I was kinda having fun and at the same time, I was worrying again when I was playing. However, I learned my lesson and this time, I didn't worry about it that much. I tried my best to concentrate on my match and I can say that the matches I played today were much better than yesterday though I still didn't play the really best standard where I go crazy!

I AM NOT A FAILURE, I AM A FIGHTER!

First Day Of School!

Alright, it's been a long time since I have blogged. Today is the first day of school and I only did work for Physics and F&N. The rest of the lessons, the teacher just went through the basic rules like handing in homework on time and stuff. I can feel the pressure of my most important year already and it's only the first day of school! Aye... I really have to work extremely hard this year!

Next, I have training from Monday to Saturdays. How great is that when everyone have more time to study and I don't due to the upcoming Inter School South Zone Badminton Competition??? For training today, I have been rather quiet and not myself at all. We did 6 corners, 20 times, 6 sets and swing 100 time. After that, we did lob, drop and push. During this time, I was looking at how the new sec 1's played. I think 2 of them have badminton background and so I think they will probably be in the team for this year since they are considered quite good already for their age.

Then comes 2 against 3. I was super not myself and I have to apologize to those 2 whom I partnered. Sarah and Yi Ning. Aye.. I was so worried with things (I won't say here) that it affected the whole training today. I partnered Yi Ning first and we really scored damn badly and it was my fault man. I was moody and totally not myself (laughing, smiling, being talkative). After that, I had to partner Sarah and the score was I think 1 point different from the previous match I had with Yi Ning. This is all my fault man.. if it wasn't for the worrying in my heart, I wouldn't have played so badly.

After the 2 against 3, we took a break. Coach asked me to partner Yi Ning against Shi Ying and Claire. I knew I had to do something about my mood and whatever. I ran to the bathroom and splash water onto my face. I was practically staring at my reflection on the tap and letting the water run. After thinking that I have cooled myself down, I went back to the hall. The minute I look up, coach was looking at me. I knew what he was thinking. He was looking at whether I cried or not.

Went to play with Claire and Shi Ying and we won. After that match with Yi Ning, I partnered Sarah and played against Claire and Shi Ying again. We won too. I think I was feeling much better at that point in time but still I had a big burden or worries on my shoulder and so half the time, I was thinking about how to solve them. After games, we did physicals and went back home.

We'll see what happens as time goes by...