Something happened last night. I cried when I was sleeping.

This morning, I woke up pretty early as I don't want to be late for training. She lay there so beautifully and all the memories flew back all at once. I cried. I bathe and packed my stuff and left house. In the bus, I was not able to control myself and so I just kept crying and crying silently. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I wiped away droplets of tears after droplets of tears. It just kept flowing down. For the whole journey, I just kept crying.

When I reached the interchange, I can't stop my tears from flowing and so it just kept flowing down after I wipe away the previous one, all the way until I reach the hall. I felt a shiver down my spine when I was walking down the aisle of the hall. I know that no matter what happens for training, I cannot cry. I refuse to let anyone see me cry or know that I'm in pain (heart). I was thinking of scenes like me crying and coach had to ask why or play half way during a match than run out of court.

I went to the toilet and look at myself in the mirror. I told myself that from than on, I must put away that thing away. I must not let it affect my training because they are 2 different things. I washed my face and went out to get ready for training.

After doing agility, we played catching. It was alright. Then, I did drills with Gabrielle I felt so tired that I had to stop after a few shuttles. Later, we played games. For games, it was horrible. Everything I did seems to go wrong. The angle that I want, the place where I want the shuttle to go, all went wrong. It felt like as if someone was playing around with me. Trying to do the opposite of what I want to do. I did let that thing affect me. I couldn't help it. My heart was aching and I wanted to cry. I realized then that I was too tired to cry and also there were no more tears left. Every single game I played today was rubbish! It really was. I played so badly that I nearly wanted to kill myself for playing so badly and letting that thing affect me.

Coach talked to us after everything has ended. He talked about competition and who has brains and everything. Then after a while, I heard him say "can you all look up or not, stop looking down at the floor" something like that. I knew immediately that I was one of them. Only 2 people were sitting down with their heads facing the ground and that was Shi Yin and I. I was thinking that perhaps I should just raise my head but with my eyes looking down. I made the effort to do that. I was happy with myself that I still made the effort regardless of how defeated I was by that situation last night. My face had no expression though.

Training, training, training... Due to training, teacher's have complained that I look tired during their lessons. I find it really ironic for 2 out of the 3 teachers whom said I look tired. For one of the teachers, I am very energetic in the class, I always answer questions! I just cannot find a reason as to why I was complained by this particular teacher. The other one even cuter. That teacher does not even know my name! How can that teacher say then that I look very tired in her class? That teacher does not even know what position I have in the class.. do you now how sad that is to have your ... not knowing what position you hold in class... after 3 weeks of school already. ):

Oh wells, I shall write until here. Tata!