I really have to say that the beginning of 2010 is not a very good beginning. January of 2010 is the month in my whole entire life which I have cried most. It's not easy for me to cope with my problems, in badminton as well as studies and the things going on around me. My road is very bumpy and rough, making it harder and more difficult to continue. I am like trap in the quicksand and I am trying my best to find a way and get out of it.

Anyway, this morning we had training. I really don't know WTF I was doing! I deserve to get a few slaps! I can't get the simplest things right. The drill that we were suppose to do was easy but I really don't know why I can't even do that simple drill. My whole world is spinning like I'm caught in a whirlpool or something. My mind is so complex that even the simplest thing to just get the shuttle over the net, I can't do it. I'm confused and lost. I find myself drifting away. There were so many times I had to stop and take a break at each court. I had to calm myself down and then continue. I am exhausted, exhausted from what my brain is thinking about. Ever since Sc's match, my brain has been thinking about nothing but negative stuff. It has been thinking about the words coach said (I'm not affected by it, and I did take his advice), the mistakes I made during those last few points, the death of my rabbit (Yes, it was this which I cried and cried and cried) and the spinning going on in my head is making everything worse then ever. 

I wanna cry so badly to just pour everything out. But every time I want to cry, something in me will tell me not to cry. Perhaps it's my shell outside me that's sending that message. I think I have cried enough for this month. I really don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to cry for even the smallest things. But I think all these things are great that's why it had such a huge impact on me.

This person will never get to read it. Your words did not hurt me a single bit. I know you said all those words because you cared. I listened to what you said and took in your advice. I felt that I have disappointed you and the team. I can't forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I made. All I want to do right now is to work on those areas and the next time I enter the court, it will be a new me. A Jia Ying which is much better, not making stupid mistakes and not a let down to the team and you.

I need great strength and will to overcome this "messed up" me. I will do my very best to try all sorts of different ways to overcome it. It's not going to easy and I may go crazy along the way. Definition of crazy in my context: Laugh, cry, smile, scream and it can all happen in one day. 

Why are my post ever so sad? Ever so emo? Ever so crazy? Ever so negative? WHY?!